Ana, I need you

BROKE THE 140 BARRIER again! OH MY GOSH. What an excellent way to start this day out

More later obviously

<3

We have a problem..mom called. I don’t know what she saw/read/heard
But she told me she doesn’t think I am being “healthy”
WTF. I am still 4.8 pounds above my lowest weight this spring…. I have been doing this MUCH more normal and MUCH less ana… trying to incorporate the two… She could have seen the ana books I brought home…she could have read the food journal I brought with me last weekend….seen my daily goal weight chart… aunt couls have found my ana binder and told her…. cousin couls have said something about the ED book he found …I don’t know. I don’t think she knows about my blog this time… I’m just really really worried, because she said – We’re going to talk when I see you. Which will either be late Friday night when I am done babysitting OR Saturday morning…on my way to move in to the dorms. I am so sick of “talking” about this. She does not understand and she minimilazes this. She says I do it for attention…which may have a little truth behind it.. but its not her attention I’m looking for. I just need this for myself. Need to be thin. Small. Tiny. Smaller than ever before. having my weight down is the only way I can concentrate on anything else in my life. I can’t do school if I am constantly worried about losing weight. I need to get to my goal and then maintain it. If I feel comfortable there. uuh. I hope this isn’t a big battle. I can’t deal with that right now.
Stress about her call lead to a minibinge… a poptart and a nutrigrain bar… now my cals are at like.. 500 already. I can live with that though . I have to eat dinner tonight, just so aunt can’t say I skipped three times in a row. But this is still manageable. I can do this. I am about a pound ahead of what my DGW was today. So even if I just break even on cals it shouldn’t be the end of the world. I don’t know. Those are the most dreaded words I can hear. When I am unsure of something…didn’t plan for it. Whatever. uncertainty. I feel like crying. I feel like dying. I do not want to have this conversation again… yikes…. I will let you know more later..

So I havent heard anything more from mom yet…though I brought it up with aunt just to see what she would say… She just kinda laughed and acted like it was no big deal so we’ll have to see.

uugh. This blog is making me sad.. I kinda feel like no one is even reading what I write on here…so its kinda pointless to do… plus if mom finds this I am screwed big time. Idk.

Dinner was kinda bad today, but weighed after eating and it looks just fine.  okay. back to packing. Going to bed soon . super exhausted…

Woke up and felt TERRIBLE. My stomach was distended… I was a little nauseous, and  my weight was up.. AFTER SKIPPING DINNER LAST NIGHT!  I wanted to cry..

Made myself go on my 4 mile run…although I probably only ran a mile of it… my stomach had shooting pains and I even found WALKING hard.  When I took a shower I noticed my stomach was sticking out grotesquely….

Turns out there was a couple reasons for this.  I guess I was a little constipated AND I got my period. Double Whammy. I know you probably don’t really like to read this, but it was SUCH a huge relief to me that I hadn’t actually gained!! Although I’m a little concerned about the period thing.. I just got it a couple weeks ago… that time was unexpected too… and I’m worried there might be something wrong with me :/  …..

Cals got a little high today…probably around 1000, but now I know why I was craving stupid things….hormones.  With AM walk/run I am negative 800ish.  Skipped dinner again…just not hungry.  Didn’t get to go on my PM walk because I had to pack stuff up tonight.

Just weighed myself. Its super low.  Well. Still 5.8 pounds above lowest this spring…but it is my lowest nighttime weight in a couple months. I’m finally getting back down  Was thinking of eating dinner even though its late…and once I weighed myself it motivated me to keep my tummy empty I really hope I am back on track with GW tomorrow… I haven’t been since the weekend, and making it would mean SO much to me!!   I will eat a moderate cal day tomorrow, since I have my period I know that if I don’t eat I will go crazy and have stupid things…  Today was supposed to be a fast…damn period. You are the biggest freaking nuisance in the world.

Just about finished reading Hungry tonight. Had the pack the ED books I didn’t bring home last weekend so no more to read until the move in TWO DAYS!

Have to go to the stupid Doctor again tomorrow   That means up early then a long day with the kids at work. AND more than likely no workout. At least in the AM. I think I am going to do whatever possible to make sure my aunt and I get our PM walk tomorrow.

It’s been a kinda rough day.  A is having a hard time… you know what an energy suck it is to restrict cals. Even if the weight loss is worth it, it makes getting school work done SUPER hard.  You just want to sleep all day…it’s your body’s way of burning as few cals as possible.  It’s just really difficult.  I have not been good at texting either so I feel like a bad anabuddy :/

Alright well I better get to bed.. gotta get up bright and early tomorrow  …may not have time to post for a few days but we’ll see

<3

Day 10 complete. Woke up a pound down from yesterday morning.

Felt bloaty and not good most of the day..had to get up super early and drive an hour one way to the doctor and back before work.  then I had to work. With the little brats.

Kept cals really low. Didn’t eat dinner

Weight is actually a little higher than I expected tonight..I think its just bloating of some kind. Hopefully it will be gone by tomorrow.

I have so much to do in the next few nights. I didn’t manage to pack anything tonight… I probably could still but I am exhausted! Not only did I suck at texting but I also am not going on AIM. I don’t know if I will be able to again until next week….

Tomorrow night I need to finish up my laundry…. pack up all my stuff that I wont need in the next few days..  and move it out the the garage. Thursday morning its up early and back to the doctor… Thursday night I need to load up my car after work and make sure I am as ready to go as possible. Friday I babysit right after work..so I will be gone from 10 in the morning until 10 at night…. EVERYTHING needs to be ready that night, so we can just get up and go on Saturday.   Then Saturday is the big move in. All alone on the first night…except for my old high school boy who says he’s going to drop by….

And then Sunday I don’t know if I will go to church. I’m sure I will be expected to by my roomies friends..but I’m pretty sure I’m going to be so freakin exhausted that I’m going to want to sleep until noon!!

Okay. Now that you all know whats happening every minute of the next for days. lol ….

How are you girls doing??? I haven’t had much time to read blogs, but I hope to catch up on some this weekend!!

I’m super sad Haley is moving to tumblr, cause its just not the same , but the site is really cool! You guys should check it out!!

alright….. time to watch Weeds until I pass out!

<3

HEY LOVESSSSSSS!!!!
Feeling much better today….  Woke up and weighed myself..it was kinda high, but I knew I hadn’t had a BM in a couple days… did today, and weighed in for PM weigh about a pound lower

This weekend didn’t do quite as much damage as I thought!!   Almost ate a bowl of ice cream this afternoon… took the first bite, and all of a sudden I realized.. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING!? Put it down the garbage disposal

My cals were around 300 for the day and I wasn’t going to have more…but auntie made me eat some dinner… potatoes with like onions cheese bacon and some kinda sauce… and then a huge glass of milk. Also some fresh sliced tomatoes.. Filled my clean empty tummy up too full

But going on a walk with her tonight… hoping to be close to goal again by tomorrow… that would only require me to be down about a half pound form tonights PM weight. I think I can do it.  If I don’t tomorrow is going to be about the same plan as today…hopefully sans dinner as well.  Then I will DEFINITELY be on track by Wednesday !!! Such a good feeling.

Chatted up a boy I kinda like today…hes going to come over the first night I move into the dorms. I’ll be all alone until my roommate comes the next day, and I told him I’m scared of staying alone hahaha it should be fun!!! And its motivational for me to loooose!

A creeper…who just got engaged was also texting me all day… he is sooo nasty. Always skeeving on girls… One time when we were in HS we went to a movie as a group..he was holding his girlfriends hand on one side, and trying to hold mine on another!!! A different time I was at the girls house and he was trying shit under a blanket …he just bugs me.  I have to work with him at my on campus job and I am dreading it. I just want to tell his fiancee!

Alright well I have to go on my walk now… AIM tonight ladies!!! 9:30ish Central if you can make it

<3

well. Skipped breakfast….was just falling asleep before lunch when I hear

“BECCA!!! Get In here its lunch time!”

I mumbled that I was sleeping…. it didn’t matter.

So I ate french fries. It was either that or hamburgers…and I dont eat meat.

damnit.

Then I went on a 17.5 mile bike ride…. then took a little nap.

When I got back to aunt and uncles there was like a cul-de-sac end of summer party. I declined all food, saying I had eaten before I left.  They were okay with that…but I had to eat dessert. WTF. Homemade ice cream…  so def not low fat AND a piece of pineapple upside down cake.

Went on walk with Aunt. Then put away all my stuff…which Im just going to have to take out and pack in a few days but what ev I guess.

Super tired and just kinda in a bad mood. Gonna stay pretty low cal tomorrow… 600 is my max, but I want to be closer to 300. If I eat all 600 cals and go on my pm walk with aunt I will be negative 1100 cals…

I just weighed myself. It’s not a very encouraging number :/

I think I should just go to bed and stop thinking about it.   Goodnight girls,

Hopefully I’ll have a more encouraging post for you tomorrow

<3

So much for one last fun weekend at home before school :/

All day yesterday I had been doing pretty well foodwise. And I knew I had to go home and see my fam, best guy friend and soon to be roomie  last night. And I was feeling good.  Wasn’t even going to eat dinner because I wasn’t hungry. But stupid roommate asked me to make her something to eat. Even though she told me she had pancakes for dinner. And she asked for the worst possible thing. Mexican.

Well needless to say, I ate. And hated myself the whole time. I really hope this isn’t a preview of the year to come…

My best guy friend Nathan was also there. He is really health conscience and in great shape. I hate eating in front of him.  and lately everyone has been telling us how we are going to end up married..its so weird.  His dad is actually a pastor..and when I was maybe 11 years old he came up to me and said, ”  I know this isnt going to make any sense now, but I still need to tell you . As much as I love you, I don’t think I want you as a daughter-in-law”.  I was totally weirded out.  And told him he didn’t need to worry. And then when Nathan was over last night he told me his dad said he should marry me because he decided he DOES want me for a daughter in law. Another lady in the church said .. I wish Nathan and Becca would just figure out that they are meant to be together already!  When I was at my aunt and unlces the other night I mentioned that I would be seeing Nathan this weekend …and my cousin, Drew said- Oh yeah those long distance relationships are hard to maintain. I didn’t even know what to say!And it just goes on and on.  It makes it kinda awkward to hang out then…  I don’t think I could ever ever ever date Nathan let alone marry him…..

Anyway they were both here really late last night and once they left my mom and I got into a huge fight. One of our worst.  She attacked everything about me- it seems like she doesn’t like anything about me. I honestly can’t make her happy or proud or anything. Except disappointed and mad. I just walked out of my house and drove away.  I have never done anything like that before… and I called my OTHER friend Nathan and he and I drove around till 4 o’ clock just talking and smoking. I cried a lot. bleh. I sound so emo and thats really not me at all!

So then I went to bed at 5..and slept till noon.

Now my friend ( future roomie) wants to go see and movie and get dinner too. Its like.. I can’t get away from food.

Not to mention my mom is driving me insane..working out until she can hardly move….eating really weird. She had this bag with at least 30 packs of tic-tacs and I was like Oh whats with all the tic tacs?

You know what she said?  They’re mine. I eat them. Sometimes they’re my dinner.

I told her she had an eating disorder and walked away.

I’m just in a terrible mood…no scale and feeling fat.  I move in a week and I wont be small. Im still going to a whale. Fuck.

<3

Heyyy!!!

So I was up .2 yesterday. Which I thought I might be because of the big dinner… (tacos)

So I worked haaaaaarddd yesterday.

I ran in the morning, but got such a huge blister that I had to stop after three miles and walk with my shoe off for the last mile… Then I decided Iwould bike in the pm since I knew my foot hurt too much to walk…. well. I’m a huge klutz. Crashed the bike. Because I was messing with my ipod, and I hit the brakes super hard by accident…flew over the top of it and crashed into the pavement… the bike landed on me and I got some major road rash.. HOWEVER

I still got up and biked 11 hard miles a lot of uphills that I just wanted to quit on, but I pushed myself. And I skipped dinner…

BECAUSE. I had planned for no more than 500 cals that day. But I was crabby and starving at nanny house and had like… 450 cals of icecream. and that wasnt even A LOT of ice cream. it was just this premium stuff. So I had about 1000 cals. And promised myself I wouldn’t eat any dinner or anything! ( which usually means I eat something small )  But I actually did it!! at 10:30 aunt made popcorn and made me have some but it turned out to be okay because I lost over half a pound today

stuck to about 1000 again today.  Burned around 350…. gonna do some calisthenics later…. probably for another 150. so

1000-1400-500=-900

I’m back on track with my Daily Goal Weights !!  I am .2 pounds ahead of where I need to be..I weigh what I am supposed to weigh tomorrow ! Hopefully I will be down even more…and eventually can get like.. weeks ahead. I was at one point. And I l0ved that feeling!

Alright. I should go do my pm weigh in. So I have some idea of where  I stand….

Either gonna watch Weeds or keep on reading Hungry tonight !!!

DON”T FORGET TO POST YOUR AIM USERNAMEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<3

Ive thought about it

and I think everyone on tpaf should get AIM! And we could set up group chat times and get to know eachother better!!!

What do you all think??

More to come later…I just needed to say…

DOWN A WHOLE POUND! Already on freakin track with my DGW’s again. What a good way to start my day!!

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Just ran 4 miles outside in 45 min… not super fast…but the last time I did that run I only a little over half of it. About a 400 cal burn ( a little more, but again I like to round down)

Seriously didn’t think I would get up and run today since I haven’t in so long, but I did and it felt so goood!!!!   Walk with aunt tonight for another 300 cals.

Having tacos for dinner… I think I allowed like 400 cals for dinner ( bigges meal by far) so I should be okay with one or two. That way I wont feel deprived AND I’ll meet my goals!

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Weighed myself when I got home.. up a little from this morning…  .2 pounds…but lower than last nights pm weight ( by like .5?)

Ate dinner…. we had tacos… I kinda ate a little more than I planned. Not TOO much… and considering I skipped 100 cals of my lunch and am not having my pm snack… So I had an extra 170 to use….  I’m not gonna beat myself up about it because I know I will be down the .1 I need to be to reach my goal.

Hoping to talk to both A & H on AIM tonight…its hard because all three of us are in different times zones so I have to pick a time that kinda works for us all. I want to go on at 9:30…so 8:30 for H, and 10:30 for A.  I need to be asleep my 11:30 though… because otherwise its easy for me to not get up and run in the mornings…. and I really can’t afford to miss any days….

In the 11 days before I move there are already 3 where I have stuff going on before work and I wont be able to get in my am runs on those days.    When I move I won’t have time for 2 a days anymore …so instead when I go to the gym its going to be with a goal of burning 700 cals or more.  And I want to make my minimum 4 trips to the gym weekly.. I’d really like to do 5 though, and burn off  a whole pound weekly. We’ll see.

Reading ED books again . Read Perfect on Sunday…it wasn’t very good. It seemed like it was written by a 12 year old… but still kinda triggering.

Read Purge: Rehab Diaries on Monday. Again, not the best Ive ever read, but there was still some good stuff in it.

Today I read Starving.  It was much much much much more about recovering. And like, she wrote from a biblical standpoint on how ana is wrong. It made me think……

Other Books I have to read yet…

More Than You Can Chew

Insatiable

Hungry

and Empty.

A little worried cause cousin found Starving in the bathroom yesterday, and the day before he was on my computer when my half written blog was up. I hope he doesn’t get weird before I leave, or say anything once he sees me later this year and I’ve lost weight. We’ll seee. I’m sure it will be no big deal, especially because I don’t think my parents have told him about my ED or w/e … it just makes me nervous… I get a little pit in my stomach!

According to my DGW chart I need to lose 1.8 pounds by Sept 1…easy to accomplish… only a 450 cal deficit daily

I WANT to lose 3.5 pounds…. a deficit of 875 cals daily….. this is doable I just have to work hard.

If I can lose a half pound both by tomorrow and then another on Thursday it brings my deficit all the way down to 730 cals. Let’s pray that I can do it!!

My blogs must be getting harder and harder to read…. I feel like ‘Im just rambling on…spouting random calorie deficits and pounds needed to lose. There is no real content and for that I apologize. Right now all I can think about is getting down before school. I suppose they will be like this for the next 11 days….

<3

Pretty good day. Woke up down .8 pounds and  only .9 pounds above my goal weight for today!!!

Did pretty good at work, where I sometimes have a tendency to binge…. when I cam home and weighed I was down more than a pound from my previous nights weight…. and less than what I weighed when I woke up! So I didn’t want to even eat dinner because I was doing so well…

But I did. Not bad stuff… fresh veggies with some low fat dip…a few bites of what aunt made everyone else for dinner…. and I would have been fine ending there. Aunt took me grocery shopping and bought us Weight Watchers ice cream treats…. I didn’t even really WANT one.. but I ate it. I figure it wont hurt TOO much considering I’m losing pretty quickly.

Then we went on our nightly walk even though it was pitch dark outside. I wanted to run so I could get home to go on AIM but I literally could not see…. and now my darling friend isn’t replying. Ha nevermind. she just did OOPS. Cancel that too. AIM is being stupid. oh well. I guess its good I get to bed earlier…

Got a text from a boy in my past… one that I will be seeing at the school Im transferring to this fall.

He wanted to hang out. I immediately started thinking of cutting what I had planned to eat tomorrow even MORE so I could be as empty as possible. But it turned out our schedules just dont work out. So I think I will just stick with the plan cause thats what makes me feel good.

Running AM to burn around 400 cals.( approximation)

Intake around 1000 ( less but I round up. kinda a lot)

PM walk 300 ( calculated at 350.. I round down)

Total intake of about 300 cals

After BMR ( rounded down to 1400) I will be negative 1100 cals tomorrow. YESSSSSSSSSSS.

I just want to be pretty. I know I can be when I lose this fat.