Starving Is Power.

My family is in the process of moving.
we’re building a house. It should be done in 5 days
and we have a little 3 car garage building in the back
that we are moving all of our stuff out of storage to.
and well,
My brother and I were taking things from the storage building to
the one on our property,
and my dad would stay behind and arrange everything.
The last trip we did.
My mom brought Arby’s.
Fucking roast beef sandwiches and curly fries.
and she also brought me a jamocha shake.
Fuck.
So, I knew that my mom had been getting pretty suspicious
so I knew that I had to eat SOMETHING.
well. Since I was talking to my family the whole time I was eating
I didn’t realize it and I had eaten ALL the curly fries.
OMG IT WAS A LARGE.
I knew I was going to have to throw up all of those so I decided
I should eat the roast beef sandwich.
I ate it in like 3 bites.
Knew it was going to suck trying to throw up something
I hardly chewed.
So it took forever to actually leave my family.
So the shit is about to hit the fan.
but I finally get away and I don’t know why, but I had
this mantre going through my head the whole time.
twenty minutes twenty minuets twenty minuets.
Lol. I had it in my head that If I got home in the next
20 mins that the food wouldn’t have had time to start being
digested.
So Idk if that’s right, or if I’d heard that somewhere.
lol. idk.
all I know was that I was practically FLOORING it to get home.
So I burst through the garage door, run to the bathroom
rip off my clothes, turned on the music (in case someone just HAPPENED
to be coming home after me), turned on the water, wipped out my cup/bucket
thing, grabbed my tooth brush and had at it.
I had weighed myself before too and It said 145.6 pre vomit.
after it was 143.2 post vomit.
I also had to take some exlax just to be sure.
Whew, that was close.

I still can’t lose weight.
It’s been like three days.
I usually lose about a pound a day.
and on bad days it’s at least 1/2 a pound.
WTF IS GOING ON!?
I’m going to go crazy.

So,
I was doing really well losing weight and everything,
and ALL and I mean ALL
I have been consuming is liquids.
I’m not losing any weight.
It’s been like 3 days.
All that’s happening is I feel SUPER
light headed and shaky.
Anyone know why all this is happening?
It’s kinda buggin me.
*******
I’m kind of like a freak and I LOVE school and education
and all that jazz
SO
I made myself a formula to find out how close I am to
my goal weight by using a percentage.
Which actually wasnt easy AT ALL.
Then, I made a little line with alot of hash marks
and dots and all that jazz.
AND, Im going to start adding random dates that I’ve gone down
like 5 pounds, and calculate what percentage I am.
I’m totally stoked.
I’m at like 20% right now.
I say like 20 because since its like 163 was my starting weight
and 100 is my goal weight
It’s kind of hard to get exact percentages so its actually
like 20.64 percent or something like that.
but yeah.
I’m getting obsessed with numbers.
I really need a tape measurer.
I used to measure when I was in the 163 weight zone
and my waist was like 37 inches…
how fucking sick right?
I’m really reallllllyyyy eager to see what it is now!
********
Today my sister and her fiance came over,
and her fiance hadn’t seen me in like MONTHS.
and I was trying to find something in the room they
were in and he asked it.
The one question that we all LOVE to be asked:
“Have you lost weight?”
OMG
you have no idea how much I wanted to jump up and down
screaming “YESYESYESYEYSYESYEYSEYSEYSYEYSEYSEYSEYYSE 20 POUNDS!!!!!”
But I didn’t.
I remained seemingly indifferent and just shrugged and said
“I dunno, I don’t think so.”
Perfect and vague.
I’m loving this.
My stomach still looks the same to me though :/
that and my arms.
My legs I cant tell are getting small because I wore a
pair of pants today that used to be pretty tight
and I could actually grab fabric and pull it like an inch and a half
away from my leg.
Dayum.
I’m friggin high on this right now.
I’m so motivated!
I just wish my weight would show all my efforts.
*****
There’s this guy that I’ve kinda been foolin around with.
He goes to my school, and we’re pretty good friends.
We were hanging out a lot recently, but a few days ago,
we hung out and we kissed.
and well…. I kinda sucked his dick.
IDK WHY IT JUST HAPPENED.
and anyway.
ever since then we had been totally fine, and he would always
talk about sex with me and I never really thought anything of it,
I mean, he would kiss me all the time when we were alone,
but in front of people he acted like I was just another friend.
and today, he was all like
“So everyone has been acting like they know,”
“Know what?”
“You know, about us”
“I don’t think so.”
“You didn’t tell them did you?”
“Uhm, no.”
WTF was that?!!?!?!
THEN as if it couldnt get any worse.
I had to like LEAVE right then or I was going to
be in a lot of trouble
and he kept stealing my keys, not in the cute “I never want you
to leave” way but a creepy possesive way.
and then why I finally got my keys I was about to leave
and he was all like trying to get me to have “a quicky” with him.
Fuck no.
I wanted to LEAVE.
so then he’s all like
“Okay, well then will you at least…you know?”
he said gesturing to his dick.
Seriously?
So now I know why he has been wanting me to hang out all the fucking time.
By this point I’m pissed and I just want to go home and think or cry or something.
But I don’t want him to know so I’m about to open the bedroom door to leave
and he does that think where he pushes it closed before I can open it all the way.
I’m kinda starting to feel like he would rape me at any moment if I didn’t
“pleasure” him.
So I am just like…freaking out but trying to act calm
and I finally get in my car and I ZOOM
away.
I have to see him tomorrow at school and then our group of friends is going to
go to a football game.
I thought it was going to be like really fun, but now I think it might get strange,
But I’m glad a lot of people will be there,
I honestly don’t want to be alone with him.

on my bed waiting for the time to leave.
I’m wearing a hoodie today.
I feel so fat.
Im still at 143.
I think its because I had some grape soda
yesterday.
that shit has like 1243134565467650 calories.
But anyway.
If you guys want a great line of thinspo
there is this song that I like
called liquifey by the servant
and the line goes like this
“in darkness, I could feel your, your little body breathe”
I mean, does that not make you want to be so small
that any guy could say that about you!?!?!?
anyways,
its about time for me to leave.
Ill probably be on after school to tell you how it went.
maybe.
Bye :)

I have been gone for such a long time.
With my family’s moving and never having any
privacy I could never find time.
I’ve gotten to 143. I made it to 142 at one point
but then randomly it changed back to 143 without
me doing anything.
that’s a grand total of 20 pounds lost.
I know in my last post I said I had lost 20 pounds,.
I don’t know what was going on in my head.
Next goal is obviously 133.
since I started at 163 I feel like I should keep everything
ending with a three.

I’ve been doing a lot of chew n spit recently.
It’s doing okay.
I’ve mainly just been living on sunflower seeds
and sprite.
I never eat at school, I save my lunch money for
other things.
It’s really good to be at school, not having anyone
on my back about eating.
actually I taker that back.
all those Nosy fuckers at my school
always ask me why I’m not eating
“I just don’t like eating in front of people”
is what I ALWAYS say.
I think it’s a good excuse and it is none of their
goddamn business why I don’t want to eat.
SHIT.
my mom wont leave me alone about it either.
It’s so frustrating.
On a happier note, I’m doing really well in school.
But the overall tone of today was not great at all.
This is the one year anniversary of the first time I tried to kill myself.
When I downed 50 pills.
I can’t believe how insensitive my mom was today.
not like I’m wanting special treatment.
But, it’s kind of a stressfull weird time for me right now.

Almost down 20 pounds from my starting point. It’s been taking me a while to get motivated.
But i did, and I’m so excited.
I have hardly been eating,
and when I do all I do is chew and spit.
That’s it.
I met a guy. We’re really good friends,
we talk about EVERYTHING.
I really like this dude.
It’s nice,
I can actually have a relationship with a guy, and it
doesn’t have to be sexual.
I hate school.
I love the work,
but just hate the people.
Anyway, my parents should be home from church soon.
I just decided something.
Once I get down to 140 I think I’m going to go to church with my
parents so that ass hole who told me I coulndt do this
can suck it.
Or maybe I’d like to be smaller.
Idk yet.

Things not going so great.
Apparently I’m bipolar. I’ve had a few different doctors
tell me this.
But, my counselor is going to start spacing out my sessions.
She thinks I’m “doing good”.
Lol. yeah right. If people only knew half of what goes on in my head.
I’m pretty sure she thought I was “fine” the two times I tried to kill
myself.
My schools already started. Started Thursday.
I didn’t know until like 11:30 Wednesday night.
So that sucked.
It was a new school too.
No one talked to me the first day.
I just sat there.
I hardly even looked at anyone.
The second day This other new girl introduced me to some other
new girls and these two other guys started sitting with us and stuff.
So now we are like this random bunch of new kids and losers.
AWESOME.
Two of the girls are seniors and one was a freshman. So I’m right in the middle.
A junior.
I don’t feel happy.
I feel suffocated.
I feel like my best friend forgot me.
The only time she’s talked to me in the last two weeks
was to ask me about my dad’s letter of recommendation.
She didn’t even tell me about her dance scholarship.
I found out when I saw it on facebook.
And I’ve been completely replaced by like 3 different girls.
And there was this one time she was talking about her new boyfriend and
she said something like “if you two don’t get along, I’ll break up with him”
Well. He was calling me a selfish drama queen and all this stuff that I’m
NOT and nothing happened. Then he LIED to her about something I said
and she said she believed me but she didn’t say anything to him.
This is Mckenzie all over.
So lets make a list of all the people who have abandoned me shall we?:
Nicole.
Alano..
Mkcenzie
My fucking psychiatrist.
My sister.
And all my other friends from my old school.

So you know what.
I think this is just GREAT.
who needs friends?
who needs someone to talk to?
who needs someone they can tell when they are at their breaking point?
I’ll tell you who.
ME.
that’s fucking who.
I’m really not okay. I haven’t been for a while and everything just keeps getting better.
I guess one good thing has happened.
I stopped liking food recently.
I’m back down to 150.
and forsure going lower.
I hardly eat and I save all the money my mom gives me for lunch.
So I’m hoping to have quite a large amount.

Well,
car dealers are sleesy.
Me and my dad had an agreement with the local ford dealership here where I live. I had picked out a 2008 Ford Focus, and it was used, the alignment was a little off. They agreed to fix it, no problem, no cost. So this was a Saturday that my dad and I decided. The alignment couldnt be fixed until a Monday. So we waited until monday. Today, IS monday.
SO, let me explain why I don’t have a fucking car right now.
I woke up about 12:45. I was supposed to be woken up at 11:00 to go GET my car.
So I was like….WTF.
I got into the living room, my dad, who is on his lunch break, is talking angrily to someone on the phone. I knew then that I wouldn’t be getting that car today, If ever. So after my dad gets off the phone we have a little chat,
“They are trying to make us pay more for the car.”
“Okay, So am I not getting it?”
“I don’t know yet, I’m waiting for the sales manager to call me back.”
That was at fucking 1:00, okay.
At about 4:00 my mom and I are going to lowes to pick the wood for my bedroom floor.
My moms phone rang and she answered it.
“Calm down Brian. It’s nothing to have a heart attack over. Just CALM DOWN. She’s right here.”
She looks at me,
“He wants to talk to you.”
“Hello?”
I could barely hear his voice
“Brooke, they sold your car.”
“It’s okay dad, we can just keep looking.”
“NO, it is NOT okay. that it not a way to do business, we had an agreement.”
Now, my dad is NOT a reactive person, so the fact that he was so upset, I knew he was PISSSSSED.
My dad told me he was going to be contacting the manager of the entire business to tell him what happened because he is personal friends with this man.
My dad is the publisher of the newspaper where we live, so these people must be SERIOUS idiots to piss him off.
ANYWAY. I’m fucking pissed off because I set my entire days plans around getting my car.
My dad also said he wouldnt let me paint my rims pink or do anything I wanted to a car that he would be helping pay for. SO. I’m currently selling a majority of my belongings on ebay. lol.
I’m also working on getting a book of my poems published.
That’s not for monetary gain. That’s more for personal fulfillment really.
So, I’ve already sold a sidekick on ebay.
:)
for 50 bucks which is a steal. haha.
So yeah. I have $3050 for a car at the moment.
Now I know that is enough for a car.
yes,
BUT, a car that’s worth that much would NOT be cutting it for me.
I like the finer things in life. and I was actually kinda not diggin the
Ford Focus that much.
SO. I put my two weeks notice in at work, because I think I was about to get fired anyway,
and I’m on the hunt for a better job.
Well not necessarily better, but a job offering more hours.
So yeah. I’m probably be going to sell more things on ebay.
All the clothes I don’t want.
and Im selling my never before used Coach purse lol.
I’m more of a carry everything in my pockets kind of girl.
AND I’ve decided that I’m going to go to college for Journalism or some kind of writing
and sometime after, or before actaully, I’m going to go to school to be a mechanic.
Because I LOVE cars, and I would really enjoy to just KNOW things about them. I don’t actually plan on being a mechanic, I would just like the knowledge of cars.
This post was completely pointless.
:)
But it felt good to talk about this.
Down a pound from yesterday.
I’ll probably start taking my twice a day diet pill tomorrow.
So. Yeah. More later :)

Tomorrow I drive my car home from the dealership.
I had decided on the car I wanted Saturday, but my
dad decided they had to adjust the alignment and do like
…checks for a whole bunch of shit.
Oh well, at least that’s free.
But I really like the car.
It’s a black 2008 Ford Focus.
It’s really cute.
But I want to like…..legit mess with this thing.
I WAS going to paint my rims…..pink :D
lol but my dad was like, you can buy your own rims
and paint them, but your not going to on these.
Aparently that shit would hurt the resale value.
So whatever, most everything else I want to do,
isn’t problem.
Like, I’m getting these detail things on the outside
on both front fenders,
and I’m getting racing pedals.
Fuck yeah. They’re really awesome.
And I’m getting fog lights,
and I’m totally going to be doing this on my own.
It’s my new project that I’m hoping will occupy a lot of my time.
**
In other news,
I quit my job.
Well, not yet.
I gave my 2 weeks notice, and I’ve been applying at other jobs.
My car gets EXCELLENT gas mileage, like we’re talking 35.
BUT, I have to pay for gas AND all the things I want to do,
AND just anything I want because I don’t want to feel like
I need my parents or anything.
And let’s face it. You can’t do any of that shit working two
fucking hours a week. and that was NOT changing.
So, I’m applying at stupid places where they only have food I hate
such as Mazzio’s or Pizza Hut.
I honestly hate pizza, I always have.
I’m also applying at sears and like fuggin Walgreens.
Lol. Maybe I’ll like that kind of stuff more than retail.
I know I’ll like the more money.
I’m going to a totally new highschool this school year.
I don’t really know how I feel about that yet.
I just don’t want to talk to anyone.
I’ll just go and concentrate on my SCHOOL WORK.
I mean, that IS the point of school and everything.
My goal is to make all As.
I had that goal last two semesters.
But…
I
MADE
A
B.
WHAT THE FUCK?!!?!?!?!? and the worst part was.
it was a fucking 87.
I was SO close!
gawh.
What kind of college do I think I’m going to get into!?
probably a NON EXISTENT ONE.
I want to major in journalism.
or just ANYTHING that has to do with writting.
WHICH REMINDS ME.
My dad and I (mainly just me) are trying to get my poetry published.
In a book. With just my stuff.
He is the publisher of TWO newspapers, so I was kind of hoping
he,
idk,
might HELP me. but No. I’m doing all this shit up on my own.
I’ve just been writing and drawing so much recently.
It’s like whenever I get depressed I do everything better.
Sleep ruins me. I haven’t slept in about two days.
I get so much crap done. I love it.
Lol. I don’t know why I do this, I doubt anyone,
if they read this at all, would read all the way down to this
point.
**
I don’t care. I want to share anyway :)
So I really like cars.
I’m that girl that you’ll be driving with and I’ll
say something about EVERY car and I’ll always know the name.
I honestly spend so much time just looking at cars online.
I kinda want to be a mechanic,
but a girl,
like me,
as a mechanic?
that doesn’t happen very often.
but HEY, I can do more than one thing with my life.
Writing is my obsession, cars are my passion.
My grandfather, many years ago, was a really established
mechanic.
He actually wrote the test for Oklahoma that you had to pass
to BECOME a licensed Mechanic.
That was a while ago though, Pretty sure they’ve updated their
test since the seventies :)

Sorry I haven’t been posting.
if anyone cares, that is.
Shit had been going down.
1. My mom is acting like she is totally on to me.
2. I got my diet pills.
3. Accidentally overdosed on said diet pills.
4. Had to leave work
5. Threw up at Mcdonalds
6. went to my best friends 21 birthday party.
7. Slept until 4

I didn’t drink or anything,
to many empty calories.
but, yesterday I weighed like 152, because
I keep fucking eating.
But this morning,
I weighed 149
FUCK YEAH.,
these pills work.
But I’m so scared to o.d. again.
It hurt so bad, so I’m waiting until tomorrow
to officially START them.
You are supposed to take two a day, several several
hours apart.
I took two. lol. and I was dying.
Shows how bad ass these things are.
I think I’m going to reward myself
if I ever frucking get down to 143.
I’m going to buy myself a month of tanning
:)
I’ll be looking FIOOOOOOONEEE.
But,
I have some exciting news.
My father is the publisher of two local newpapers here,
SO, he is connected to a lot of important people
in publishing and writing and so on.
SO, he is offering to help me find a way to publish
a book of my poems
:)
I’m trying not to get too excited because
I know that there is no guarantee that this
will even happen.
But, It’s still exciting, no?
LOL.
I’ve also recently bought some hair growth pills.
It’s called Biotine.
Its actually also A dietary supplement.
oh well.
But anywhoo,
I’m wanting my fugly hair to grow faster.
The only downside to the pills is that the hair
growth is not limited to the hair on your head.
So, when it says makes hair grow.
It means ALL motherfucking hair.
lol. I think it’s funny.
but it’s not like anyone is going to be touching my
body ANYTIME in the near future at allllll.
Not because I just don’t want them too,
I mean, I don’t,
but I have NO MEN IN MY LIFE WHATSOEVER.
this is so different for me.
I’m used to just having boys around.
Must be because I’ve gotten fat.
-_-
well, I’m going to go take a shit.
I’ve been taking wayyyyy to much exlax recently
so everytime I eat, I consequently
shit.
lol. Good day ladies!
-Brooke