fuck my life. i just binged and thew up… hopefully i didnt gain any weight and got most of it out. so now instead of hanging out with my friends.. i’m going to the gym later once my stomach settles and am going to burn about 1500-1800 hundred calories because i just ate alot. i mean it probably won’t matter because a. i threw up. b. i’ve only eaten 400 or less calories for the past 6 days… and c. i’m going to work out a lot tonight. sooo… hopefully it will help.  GOD DAMN IT. and i’m leaving for the beach on like friday.. SWEET LIFE. and i use salt to throw up so it makes me bloated… but usually i just sweat it out. but it makes my stomach funny for a few days.. the bad part is i haven’t binged and purged in a while….. i just like woke up from my nap and went downstairs and ate like  a granola bar, a 100 calorie bar, 2 cookies, probably like 5 mini donut things, milk a chocolate chip cookie… like since i only ate a granola bar and lettace before that and THREW MOST OF EVERYTHING UP I HOPE dear GOD PLEASE. i hate myself for doing this.. like seriosuly. it sucks. akjsdhsakljdhlsakdhlsakjdhaskjhdksajhdakjshdkjahsdkjas i suck.but tomorrows another day to starve so it’s back to about 400 or less calories… alskdjalsdjaskdjaskldask fuck my life. why can’t i just be skinny.

yes. i know this is such a stupid thing to be excited about but words can’t describe how much i love when the number on the scale goes down, i miss that feeling. So now as of today I weigh one pound less than yesterday. WOOO! ANNDDD… i’m below that one number that i’ve been for like 5 months. Even with throwing up, exercising for 2 hours 5 days a week and eating 600-800 calories i didn’t lose a pound. I did try atkins for a while which was high in fat and I usually don’t eat a lot of fat so that could have messed it up. So, anyway… today i decided to not do the fast liquid thing because it might mess up my metabolism and i might lose like 2 pounds and then gain them back if i eat tomorrow. So i had oatmeal for breakfast and 1/2 of a 25 calorie hot chocolate made with water because i was really cold this morning my mom keeps our ac down to like negative 20. So i’m going to try to run today…. my head hurts it makes it hard to fun i just really don’t want to black out becuase that would be so embarassing. especially i haven’t not eaten like this is like a year.. like 300 calories or less. I usually did this like once a week for like one or two days but not every day. YESS im soooo pumped so my body better be starving because today is day 6 of this 300 calorie thing.. soo STARRRVEEE bitch. it better make me lose another 5 pounds by the beach then when i get to the beach i knowww i’ll lose weight like crazy. so stoked!

C.

So, i leave for the beach in a week. grrr. it’s killing me. I mean i’m not “fat” in the least. Like i know that but i miss being skinny. I miss that feeling. I just need to be a zero again.. i mean yes it’s pathetic that i cry that i’m a two but i literally hit a wall when i had to buy a size 4 shorts, not because the waist it was because they were literally up my ass but still.. like come on. But wearing a bathing suit every day and taking pictures is going to throw me into a manic depression.. i mean i’ve been depressed for two years and go in and out of black holes but still.. I wish i just would have stopped eating again months ago. I mean i didn’t want it to come to this because i know that the doctor is just going to ruin it all again.. but not this time. Its day 5 today. I mean i’m still “eating” but not a lot. Unless you consider less than 400 calories a day a lot.. I’m thinking of doing a fast tomorrow because it’s sunday and maybe it will jump start my metabolism or something. My metabolism is soo messed up it’s not even funny at this point i don’t think it works at all.. it’s so frustrating it’s unbelievable. Yeah so tomorrow i’m thinking a v8 diet day, the juice is really good its orange ? idk what flavor it is but it’s this like hugeee gallon thing but the whole thing is only 40 calories, so i’m thinking drink that and maybe some lettace for dinner.. i’ve got 6 days. to lose at least 5 pounds. It sucks eating so little because i can’t really run because i’m scared of blacking out and my head kills. I usually run up to 7 miles.. but i’ve only been running between 1-3 this week… but i still do the elipticle and other things at the gym but still…I just hope being at the beach for a month will help me clear my head and get me back into losing rapid weight. i mean i won’t eat all day.. i just need to remember to drink like that low calorie gatorade shit so i don’t pass out. let’s see how it goes. please pray for me that this works. I should have just bumped down my calories from 600-800 to 0-400 months ago. GODD IM SOO STUPID. I mean i figured that burning 1000-1600 calories 5 days a week a the gym and eating that little would work.. but no. like sweett life. = (

These past two years have been the most frustrating time of my life. I’ve battled with anorexia and bulimia. How it came to this i’ll never know, but it’s just a part of who i am now and there’s nothing i can do to change it. I’ve gained weight, i’m not putting numbers on here because i’ll sound fatter than i actually am. I’m really muscular and gross from all of the hours that i’ve put in the gym and from eating. It’s gross. I started “eating” again when my heat rate went down to 39 and I got scared. I only gained like 5 pounds back and i was still a 0 and happy and everything was awesome. Then winter came and i went through a horrible binge phase, but i don’t understand i always threw everything up. But now i feel and look awful, i’m a 2/4. A fucking 4. Okay, so i’m only a four in one pair of shorts but it was enough to make me want to kill myself. It’s gotten to the point where i am literally going insane. I’ve messed up my body so much that no matter what i do i  CAN NOT lose weight. For the past year my calories have been about 800 a day. Sometimes more, but never more than 1000 and if it goes more than that i won’t eat anything but legit lettace the next day. Sometimes less. It just depends, but regardless i spend at least 2 hours at the gym anywhere from 4-6 days a week. When i go i normally burn at least 1000 calories. But even with my limited amount of calories and working out like a maniac, i haven’t lose a pound since February. It’s driving me insane. All this time i could have not been eating but i honestly didn’t want to go back to that, because i thought that i was stronger, i mean my binging has stopped and i don’t binge (throw up) either and i was really proud of that. So i’ve had enough and i’m cutting back a lot, not working out as much because apparently that’s my probably according to my doctor, that if i stopped working out as much i’d lose weight, because my body freaked out. But anyway, from my lowest weight a year ago to now i’ve gained 25 pounds. It’s gross. But from the consistent weight that I was for like 4 months i gained 15 pounds. Soooooo frustrating. Why did i waste all this time? All this energy just to be fat again. So for the past 4 days i’ve only eaten about 300-500 calories a day. And i haven’t lost a pound.. well today i didn’t i think it’s because i’m sick though and i threw up last night so my body’s all messed up, but still. Do you see my point? But hopefully, in another week my body will realize that it’s starving and start losing weight fast. I should have just stopped eating 800 and went down to barely anything months ago, but it’s hard because i get so tired in school. Oh well.. I’ve got a week until i have to wear bathing suits in from of people so hopefully i’ll lose at least 5 pounds by then..

any advice?

C.