No-one knows what the future holds. The future is what you make it to be. For the first time in my life I haven’t seen the future as blank or some black dark place where I am dead. I saw myself in a career in which I want to pursue. And I know that seems really petty but it meant a lot to me. I’m not saying I am recovered but I am getting there and today has proven that to me. If you would of asked me what my future is even 2 months ago I wouldn’t of been able to tell you. I want to move on with my life, I want to learn to live with what I have so I can at least attempt to have a normal and happy life. I want to be somebody. Realising this is such a huge step for me. And I would normally feel scared. But I have realised that I have support and people who will be there to help me through it all and for that i am so grateful A simple thank you is just not enough. I need to show them what I am capable of, that I am more than just some person. I’m not saying this because I’m boosting my ego, but I am a smart person and I can achieve anything I put my mind to. Anyone can if you think about it. This is my time to shine, to turn things around and to make something of my life.
I feel ready now more than I ever have in my whole entire life.
ts been raining pretty much non-stop all day and we are now flooded in! Yay! We have weather warnings to not go out unless its an absolute necessity.. It’s quite fun actually. The water is about 20cm deep and in some places up to the car bumpers. I was driving back from work and its ridiculous how stupid people can be. There were 4 cars that had spun on the motorway and yet some people were still driving at 80mph. Stupid if you ask me. Then again there were some idiots driving at 20mph.. Yeah don’t think we need to go that slow. Took me an hour to get home instead of the usual 20 mins.. 
Today has been alright, been working most of the day. It was fun. Anyone who came into our shop would think we had no lives. We were fascinated by all the rain haha.
Nothing else to report really. I would blog about what happened last night but I am quite tired so it will have to wait. 
Ohai everyone,
I haven’t been on ina while.. Everything got very hectic to say the least and well the most important thing is that I am now back. I am also doing a lot better, still have my days but generally speaking its going well. I’m slowly working on getting my life back to normal and for the first time ever I feel like I am getting somewhere.
As far as my results go I am very chuffed and got in total: 7 A*s, 3 A’s and a B. I honestly never to this day would of thought that I was capable of achieving it but I have proven myself wrong and it gives me confidence and has boosted my self-esteem quite a bit. I’m not quite the retard that I make out to be. I’m hoping to take a year out this year although I might do a course at my local college and then I plan on going to Uni next year to study Music and/or Performing Arts. Applying for Uni is an absolute nightmare, lol.
I have now been 2 months and 3 weeks SH free which I am very please of as well. I don’t get many urges if I’m honest just the odd occasion and I tend to find its more on the landmark days. But I’m still going very strong. I have also been 5 months sober now. I don’t tend to rely on alcohol to forget my problems. And I tend to just stay way clear because I know how easy it is to slip back into a routine. I will have the odd drink at special occasion but even when I go out now I stay on the soft drinks and I must say I still have fun.
As far as the pregnancy goes. There are a lot of mixed feelings.. Unfortunately I miscarried and although it is what I wanted I do feel upset about it. I haven’t really dealt with it. My family are still unaware although my care worker now is and she said if I needed to talk about it I could. I’m not quite sure how I feel, rather numb at times but I do think that it was the best way out.
I guess that’s all for now.
(:
I am feeling so unbelievably suicidal right now.
I have been really bad for the past few days but its always been there.
I feel so calm when I think about it. Most people would probably be scared but it doesn’t scare me.
I feel more ready than I ever have.
So why am I here writing this and not taking them pills?
I’m not quite sure tbh. I mean it’s all set in my mind.
I really do not enjoy life. I hate it and myself with a passion.
I do not see a future and I haven’t for a while. I am a total failure at life.
Is it selfish? Yeah it probably is, but then again I am an evil and a horrible person and all I do is hurt people.
So everyone is better off without me.
Soo I been doing a lot of thinking and some research in what my options are. I told a close friend at work because I know she went through the same kinda thing. She told me straight out to ‘get rid’ of it. Said I was incapable of having a baby let alone even look after one. She said she didn’t mean it in a harsh way but that’s how she sees it. I asked her about her abortion and she said it was nothing.. Well I went away and thought about it and decided that maybe she was right and kinda convinced myself that this is what I had to do.. This was until I did some research on abortion. I could never live with myself if I did it. I think the ‘pill’ I could have possibly gotten over but I watched a video on the aspiration abortion which is probably what I will have to go for do I decide to go through with it and it made me sick to the stomach. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I would be a murderer. And so now I am even more in a state and even more lost and confused as to what to do. I don’t see my future, because of the way I am and when I do try there is definitely not a baby involved so I am confused. I know I am suppose to do what’s right by me and what’s best at the time but I really don’t think I could cope with the abortion. But then again I don’t think I can cope with the pregnancy. So the only thing that is left is if I miscarry. I know this is gonna sound mean horrible, whatever you want to call it, but I hope I do. And yes it is the easy way out of my situation. Am I a horrible person for wanting that? I’m scared about going to the doctors tomorrow, I know my care worker and my doctor are probably going to say not to have it but its not up to them its up to me and if I say I can’t cope then surely I know what I can and can’t do. My suicidal feelings have been up the span and keep coming at the most awful times. My mood is all over the place and I’m really trying to hold on and not do anything stupid. There have been a few times where I have honestly come close.
I was kinda hoping that when I woke up this morning yesterday would of been a bad dream.
But it wasn’t and i’m still pregnant.
I went to work this morning as per usual and it kept me distracted a bit, but as soon as I came home I broke down.
It’s just one big shock and I really don’t know how to take it or what to do.
I don’t know who to tell and I feel alone.
Is there a right way of doing things?
I’m in one big mess..
I’m Pregnant.
There was part of me hoping, wishing deep down that I wasn’t. I did the first test and after 3 minutes two lines came up. I broke down. I couldn’t believe it. I then waited about an hour ina half and did the second one. The exact same thing happened. I have told myself I won’t have an abortion if it’s over 9 weeks. I don’t want to get it adopted either because I’m scared I’ll get too attached to it. But then again I can’t exactly have baby, because I’m not capable of looking after it, I can’t even look after myself. I know this sounds selfish and stuff but I hope I miscarry, because then at least it’s not my fault. I have spoken to my sister and she says she will be there every step of the way. I don’t know who to tell. I’m scared terrified.
Why am I so fucking stupid.
Lol, everytime I actually feel ok about life something bad happens.
I think I might be pregnant with the guy who raped me about a month ago. I am in a state over it and I really don’t know what to do. I’ve got the tests but I am too scared to take them. I don’t know if I can handle knowing. I’d rather kill myself than have an abortion, and although adoption is ok, I don’t know if I can handle being pregnant full stop. Basically I am terrified right now.
I saw my care worker and had therapy today and as I guess I didn’t have the guts to tell her anything. She want me to go onto DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy). The thing is its a day and a half so I would have to sleep overnight. Not so keen, but she seems to think it will help. She is gonna look into it and we will talk more about it next week. I shouldn’t be angry with her and I do kinda feel bad for being so but I just don’t wanna get hurt. And I know this isn’t going to be easy but still. On the other hand I spoke with my doctor over the phone today and she has given me a whole month of happy pills! I was like scared when I came home and wanted to down them all there and then but I didn’t.
My sister told me to drink loads so that’s what I’m gonna do for now and the rest just has to wait..
I’m doing better I think.. I’m still fighting the suicidal thoughts and they have seemed to gone away for the time being. I’m scared about my dad going away again but at least I have my brother in the house this time. Even though I don’t actually speak to him a lot I know he is there. I don’t know if I want to die.. The plan I am so adamant on achieving has kinda died down but it is there. I just hope I can get through this. Its weird though and my mood is up and down like a yoyo. I am doing well at hiding it though and I think everyone is believing me when I say I am ok. I have learnt the trick not to say I am fine but saying I am doing ok seems to be working.
I run out of medication tomorrow and I can’t go to the doctors for my review tomorrow and get more pills. My doctor is away next week, so the surgery arranged for a phone-call appointment, but I am at work so not quite sure how that is going to work out.
My care worker finally phoned me on wednesday but I didn’t want to speak to her and she left a message saying she wanted to see me tomorow at 2. I am not sure whether I want to go to be honest because I don’t know what to say to her no more. I spoke to my uncle about it and he said I had a point when I told him I am sick of getting my hopes up when I need to talk to her and her not turning up is out of order. Especially as she cancels 5 mins before with no excuse. Well I am sure there is a perfect valid one but I still don’t know why. I mean I can’t rely on people it’s as simple as that really. Plus not sure if she is helping no more, but I won’t have the courage to say that to her so what am I suppose to do. I wouldn’t even be able to write it down because I will feel so bad. That’s just how I am.
I am really nervous about going to France now, what if I break down? What if my plan happens.. I can’t do that to my brother and I’m not sure I’m gonna be able to cope. I broke down the other day just trying to book it. That’s pretty pathetic. I should be happy. I’m just scared. It’s gonna be hard. As much as I love my brother, I just wish we spoke more and had a proper relationship, not a let’s speak 2/3 times a year. It upsets me when I do because I remember how close we used to be and it brings back memories which I wish we still had. I miss him so so much 
I’m gonna have to go before this get’s all soppy and I end up breaking down..
STAY POSITIVE..
I’m not doing too great. I am having very strong suicidal feelings. I’m really trying to hold on. To convince myself I am going to get through this. But truth is I don’t actually want to. I mean I haven’t achieved anything great in life tbh and I just don’t want to live. I have lost all motivation of life and I am just fed up with being alive.
I’m not able to talk to my CPN. She was meant to ring me last week after cancelling the appointment and she still hasn’t. I don’t see the point, if she doesn’t care then why should I. She wasn’t helping me anyway, so I’m gonna stop seeing her.
I don’t know what to do about my father and stuff. I know its really harsh on them but no-one understand how much I actually want to die. My dad is going away again this weekend for 5 days. I mean I cannot cope being alone. I know he cares about me, but I just feel like such a failure in everything.
I’m never gonna be good enough. I hate myself beyond compare. I just want to die. I want to be free. I’m sorry for being so horrible, such a failure. I never meant to hurt anyone.
Just let me fucking die.
