So I had a mental break down in front of my mom yesterday.
So they are putting me back on my anti-depressents, and possible putting me back in therapy.
I am also talking to mom leaving high school, and taking my classes online.
I don’t know how I feel about all this.
Well except about leaving high school, I need that.
I can’t do it, anymore.
I don’t know why but it is worse, and I can’t stop crying.
But the whole meds and therapy. I’m not to happy about, considering that my therapist is going to eventually going to find out about ana.
On a lighter note. Only 550 calories today, and I am going to work out later.

So first day of junior year, tomorrow.
I don’t want to go.
I cried about it for a while.
Ate like shit today.
Felt like shit today.
I did get the new Avenged Sevenfold CD that I have been wanting since it came out on July 27th, though.
But that made me cry, because I miss Jimmy, the drummer who died.
I also got to see my four year old cousin, so that made me happy.
He was so cute.
He told me all about his new airplane toy.
I love that kid. :]
And we ran around and played for at least an hour so that burned some calories.
Oh, and I am going to go running tonight.
Maybe that will help clear my mind and make me feel better. :]
Well that’s all I got for now.
Today’s question:
What is your favorite quote?

So before I start my mini-rant I just want to say that I love my great grandmother very much, but really? Fucking REALLY!?!
‘Kay with that said let me tell you what she has been hinting at lately, because she is just to nice to come out and say it.
1.) I wore a dress one day and I never NEVER wear dresses. I am not comfortable in them, and I haven’t worn one in at least three years, but I wore it just for her. Yeah wanna no what she said to me? She asked me wear my boobs where! Thank you for pointing that one out. It’s not like I am already self conscious about it or anything.
2.) This one is ok. It made me very happy, actually, but it did cause people to stop and look at me about it. Twice. The first time she told me that I was to skinny, and then the second time I was hugging her and she told me that I was boney. :]
3.) Mom told me that she was talking to my great grandma a couple of days ago, and they were talking about me and apparently grandma casually told her that she would ‘hate to see me with a girl’, and the only reason she said that was because I didn’t have a boyfriend. Then when I went over to her house (I had to stay there for a couple of days cause she just had surgery and no one else could) she asked me if there were any boys I liked, and I was like no not really. -sigh- Sorry, grandma, being 16 with no boyfriend must really be a disappointment in your eyes.
4.) This made me binge/purge then stop eating for two days. I was eating cereal at lunch and I hadn’t eaten that day and she said what are you eating so I told her, and she said ‘well, your going to get fat.’ AREYOUKIDDINGME!?!?!? I cried in the shower for an hour.
5.) She told me that she was going to have to get me something for my face. This also made me really depressed.
And I am going to stop now because this is just making me more depressed.
Well all I’ve had today is diet coke, which is good. :]
Oh, and to anyone who is wondering, the reason I don’t tell you how much I weigh is because my mom won’t buy a scale.
But my great grandma had one so I weigh 90 lbs and I am 5 foot.
Hope you guys had a better week than me.
Today’s question:
If your in school, how do you feel about going back soon?

Had a really good day.
Haven’t had anything to eat, and I plan to keep it that way at least until tomorrow. :]
My cousin who is 7 is having her birthday on the 15th and of course it just has to be a pool party.
I really don’t want to wear a swim suit, but I am not going to think about that because it would ruin my good mood.
Or the fact that I have to go to school in a week…
I’m just gonna focus on my empty belly and new hair cut.
I love getting my hair cut. It makes me feel so much better.
I don’t know why but I feel the need to dance and laugh and have fun.
I think I am going to dance and sing now….badly, but that’s ok cause no one can see me in my room.
I hope everyone else is having a good day. Stay strong. We can get through this together.
Today’s question:
Because I couldn’t think of anything good today I will do something very stupid. :]
What is your favorite color and why?
Mine is green, because it’s the color of grass. And it just reminds me of nature.

So yesterday I got to thinking, do crazy people know they are crazy on some level? Because I really think I’m crazy. Bipolar, maybe?
In some aspects I am exactly like my mother, and for those of you that don’t know. My mother is crazy. Not the any of the normal kinds of crazy. No, she is the I throw plates at people, tell my children to kill themselves and then threaten to do it myself while screaming at the top of my lungs and crying crazy.
Similarities:
We change our minds on everything all the time 24/7. yesnoyesnoyesnoyesno. (Not the normal indecisive)
Both of us have this mask. I don’t notice when I put on a different one, but my friend Hayy does. She pointed it out once. That was not a good pleasant night. Mom put hers on when she is around people that don’t live in our house.
We both have crazy mood swings. I tend to try to numb everything to make it bearable, but the down side of that is that I explode sometimes. Like Sometime I cry over something completly pointless and stupid for no reason at all. Example: I cried cleaning my room once. I don’t know why but I just sat in the middle of the floor crying. She doesn’t try to numb or hide though.
Mom told me she was used to be ana in high school.
Both of us have attempted suicide. Me at 11. Her at I’m not sure but more than once.
Same ideas.
Same thoughts.
Same crazy.

Other crazy things about me:
I can’t stand the thought of eating.
I have to force myself to talk to my best friend because I would rather lie in my bed and stare at the wall thinking about what it would be like to be somebody else. Someone pretty and smart and happy.
I hatehatehatehate high school. Which is pretty normal for a teenager, but the not normal part is that it makes me want to slit my wrist just thinking about it.
I can’t stand the thought of college because I don’t think I will ever be happy, and I will have to live the rest of my life feeling this shit. And college is just preparing me for that life.
WHAT 11 YEAR OLD TRIES TO KILL THEMSELVES!?
I let people walk all over me. All ways have, and I don’t know how to stop.
I hate everything about myself. Everything.

I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I just want to sleepsleepsleep.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I tried therapy, twice. Once because I had to and the other time because I wanted to, but mom stopped taking me.
I’m just so fucking tired of feeling like this. When is it time to just quit? When is it time to throw your hands in the air and say I’ve had enough?
I’ve gone through more shit then most people have in their entire lives, and I’m fucking TIRED!
Today’s question:
What keeps you going? What is it that get’s you out of bed every day?

Tired.
Weak.
Shakey.
But I like it, because that means I’m empty.
I’m clean and empty.
Going out to eat tomorrow, and mom doesn’t know where we are going.
So basically mia is going to have to help me through.
Oh, and sorry for waiting so long to update. I’ve been dealing with some stuff lately.
This lyrics are Avenged Sevenfold, btw. I’m telling you because their new CD comes out tomorrow. :]
Kay, question time.
Anybody a Blood on the Dance Floor fan?
Or have any thoughts about Jessi Slaughter?

Binged.
Purged.
Cried.

Today is my grandma’s birthday.
So we are having a party at my dads. Which btw, I am not looking forward to because I see the man twice a year, and I would just rather not watch him drink can after can of beer and talk about how the world is going to hell. He is an alcoholic, btw.
And not only that, but there is going to be food. Lots of food. My dad is also a chef. So he is gonna make a whole bunch, and then everyone is going to try to stuff my face because I look oh so thin. And I need “to get some meat on them bones.” Well I don’t want any meat on my bones. Why can’t they just leave me alone? I want to bonesbonesbones. Why can’t they let me do what I want to my body? I could do it if they would leave me alone. I could be the smallest of them all, and then I would be beautiful.
I think I am going to tell my grandma that I ate breakfast while she was sleeping, and that I am not hungry. But she might not buy it and give me food anyway.
Or I could tell her that my stomache hurts. But then I would have to act sick and if I let up even a little then I would be forced to eat.
But the good news is that I didn’t eat anything yesterday, and I don’t plan on eating today. If I can help it.
I’m so proud of myself.
And I think I am going to start asking questions with every post. I like hearing your responses.
Todays question:
What do you do to get out of eating dinner at home?

Tired. Tired. Tired.
But can I sleep? No.
I have a question for who ever is out there reading this. How long does it take you to fall asleep?
On average it takes me three hours. It’s like I can’t turn my brain off. I keep thinkingthinkingthinking.
“Got to lose that weight. Got to stay strong. Ana’s got your back. Don’t let her down.”
Over and over screaming in my head.
And it’s not just that. No, it can never be that simple.
I hear my mom in my head.
“Well why don’t you jump off a cliff? Why don’t you? Why don’t you”
And it’s so loud. It’s so loud. And I am so tired.
Hayy’s voice (friend)
“Your fucking retarded. I want you to die. I hate you.”
Cayy’s voice (brother)
“I hate you, and I wish you would have died. Why didn’t you just die.”
My voice
“I hate you. Why didn’t you die? You should have died. You’re a disgusting fat piece of shit. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.”
I just want to sleep.
Because I am tired of counting calories.
I’m tired of waking up everyday in this body that I hate.
I’m tired of the ups and downs.
I’m just so fucking tired.

Oh, and btw. With Hayy, she always says sorry after those things. Well, most of the time. The main reason we work is because we are both so messed up, but she doesn’t know about ana. No one knows about ana.

First post!
So let me tell you a bit about myself first.
I’m a 16 year old girl, who just so happens to be a big bucket of crazy.
I love music, and add lyrics to everything. Like the title for example.
The main reason I wanted to write here is so I can be myself. The real me. Not the girl hidding behind her hair and clothes. Not the girl that eats, and plays, and is normal. I want so badly to be myself, but the only way for me to do that is by hidding behind a website. Ironic, right?
Well now that I am done with intros I think I am going to talk about my day.
I went to see my great grandpa today. He has alzheimer’s, but he was having a good day. He didn’t sleep any of the time we were there, and he remembered everyone. But near the end he told me that he didn’t want to forget today, and that this was the best day he’s had in a long time. Which made me want to cry. Then when we were going to drop him off, I was telling him that I was going to go home and take a nap, and he told me that I could just stay with him. Also made me want to cry, but it was still a good day, and that is all I can hope for anymore.
So I have been in a good mood all day because of his good day. Cause they don’t come very often anymore, and I just want him to be happy.
Today I had:
One banana (105)
1 cup corn flakes (100)
1 cup skim milk (86)
Water (0)
= 291 calories
Not so great, I almost purged the corn flakes but my mom trapped me wanting to talk.
Tomorrow I am fasting.