omgomgomgomgomg

i haven’t listened to them in about 349540584553859530 years. i got into them because my best friend dated one of the guitarists. and now they’re all like famous! check em outtt.

p.s. it’s just so sweet the hour, not so freaking sweet the freaking hour.

okay so. we (my mom and i) have come to the conclusion that my ED voice, while it will never completely go away, can definitely be shut up for a while.

we went back and looked for triggers that caused this latest bout of messed-up-ness.

it’s pretty clearly my brother leaving for the academy…he’s always been my motivation for everything and my ED took his absence as an opportunity to drive me up the wall.

but i’ve also been thinking about how much worse it is at the most random times…like whenever a victoria’s secret magazine comes out. i’m a terrible compare-er, i always want to look like those girls. too bad they don’t really look like that right???????

i’m still on a modified diet…1300 cal a day and exercise whenever. but i’m not sick at the moment.

and i want to help all of you get to the place i am!

talk to me ladiess (:

i am lauren’s mother. i found her blog and am horrified to hear about her disorder.

i will not be deleting her blog in the hopes that after i have helped her to recover she can come back to this site and help the rest of you recover as well.

my blessings to all of you, good luck.

starting weight: 119.8 <–i did a happy dance when i weighed myself this morning, it’s true. (:

i don’t have a goal weight for this because it’s not about losing weight…but i’ll post my daily weight just so those of you who care can see (:

ps, for those of you who don’t know yet, i’m fasting for 12 days while i study the book of daniel. i’ll be taking in 130 cal of protein powder and 100 cal of prunes (LOL RIGHTTT) per day. i’m also fasting diet coke, which should be interesting. so basically my next 12 days will consist of PP, prunes, and water. i know it sounds extreme but A. it’s supposed to and B. none of you can judge, we’re all disordered (: oh & i won’t be exercising much except for the 3/4 mile walk to my house because exercise + fasting for 12 days = not a good idea

anyway, if you’re an atheist, agnostic, anti-christian, or just aren’t curious about the Christian faith, stop reading HERE.

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qqquuuiiieeettt time! normally i hate doing it this earlier but i have to go unpack ya knoww.

soo per usual in an old testament book, the first few verses of daniel are mostly telling about the time & place, who was in charge, etc. vs. 1-2 describe how Jehoiakim was king of Judah while Nebuchadnezzar was king of Babylon. Nebuchadnezzar has just attacked Judah and taken some things from the temple of God to put in Babylonia to put in the temple of his gods. i think this makes perfect sense…God was like a flower flicking little seeds of Himself all over the place!

Nebuchadnezzar then sends the chief officer, Ashpenaz, to pick up some young Israelite men. he tells Ashpenaz that he wants young men from good families with nothing wrong with them – handsome, smart, capable to learn, able to serve. then we get some piffley background information about what Ashpenaz is to do, what they men are going to eat, and that in 3 years they will go serve at the palace. the young men were Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah.

they’re given Babylonian names..Daniel is Belteshazzar, Hananiah was Shadrach, Mishael was Meshach, and Azariah was Abednego.

verse 8 gives us the defining point for the chapter and possibly for the whole book.. “Daniel decided not to eat the king’s food or drink his wine because that would make him unclean. So he asked Ashpenaz for permission not to make himself unclean in this way.”

Ashpenaz is inspired by God to show some mercy and allow them to stay pure. But he says he is required to give them food and drink. so Daniel says that Ashpenaz can test them…for ten days, they will have nothing but water and vegetables and they will still be stronger than the other boys.

And naturally after 10 days, they were stronger than the others. verse 17 is just interesting to me: “God gave these four young men wisdom and the ability to learn many things that people had written and studied. Daniel could also understand visions and dreams.”

then we just read about how the king liked Daniel and the other boys most and how Daniel continued to be the king’s servant until the first year of the reign of Cyrus.

aaand that’s it for my transcription of the chapter. but what i really got out of it was: the four boys wanted to stay clean and pure before God, so God blessed them to do so. I think that’s what i need to be doing…no matter my location, i need to stay pure before God. which is extra pertinent because i just moved to an area OUT of the bible belt where people aren’t as passionate about God as i am. i need to be careful about how i’m living my life.

of course God didn’t just bless them to do so, he blessed them FOR doing so. i don’t think that needs much elaboration.

(:

mommy knocked back my plan a day.her best friend is in town and i’m required to go out to eat with them. since i’m about to do a religious fast, i figured it would be better if i didn’t lie & fake a headache. so today is my farewell to food…i’m not even going to count calories!

my starting weight for the fast is 121.6

since i started posting on here i’ve lost 5.4 pounds.

the period that i’ve been on here has not been a period of fasting or starvation or even restricting. i’ve flipflopped all over the place, and still lost 5.4 lb!!!!

so now that i’m starting on the right path, i should lose even faster. wish me luck.

i have all my stuff. my bed is set up. my skinny clothes are hung up on the hooks in my closet where i can see them every day and work until they fit me.

& i finallyfinallyatlonglast get to start my daniel fast! haha i just rhymed. but i do SO much better when i have a real motivation and reason to do it. like for the next 12 days i need to focus on the book of daniel, 1 chapter a day.

my plan is to tell mommy i’m not taking in any solid food until after dark, but i’ll really be living on 1 piece of  fruit (so i can poo, LOL.) and 2 scoops of protein powder in water, daily. this will put me at roughly 270 (130 per PP scoop, 10 cal for sugars in fruit). i’m only doing the protein powder to stop myself from collapsing, ya knoww.

hopefully i’ll be like balls deep in ketosis by the end, i don’t have the pee sticks so i can’t tell. whatever.

anyway i was trying to do the math for my calculated weight loss, hopefully it’s right. my BMR is close to 1412, probably more because of my muscle mass. anyway, 1412-270 = 1142. that x12 = 13,704 <–my deficit. which divided by 3500 is 3.9, so i should lose 3.9 lb in my 12 days. it’s extreme but i know i can do it!

which reminds me, idk how many of you feel about God, but if you’re an atheist or agnostic or anti-Christian or whatever, you should probably ignore my next 12 blog posts, because i’ll definitely be posting quiet time reflections for each chapter. & yeah. (:

sooo. once again i have a new plan…!

it’s just a limit. 750. it’ll be less once i’m actually moved into my house… i’d rather not break a bone falling while carrying a box just because i have the shakes from not eating. as much as i love knowing that i’m so empty and have been so good that i’m literally shaking…whatever.

750 is a good number. 750 will take 0ff 2 lb a week. i’m sure of it.

i’m so glad it’s raining here because i’m way too disgusting to even consider the beach.

didn’t eat until 730 or so last night, and probably took in about 450 cals between whole wheat spaghetti (1/2 cup, with 1/4 cup sauce) salad (10cal, with 5 cal vinegar on it <–this is just a guess. it might be negative cal.) and a forced piece of cookie cake. it was pretty small though…200cal, maybe 250. everyone else stuffed their faces with like 10000000 cals of food. nastynasty.

i didn’t get to work out yesterday unless you count painting my closet, which i think burned some serious calories with all the shifting around and jumping i had to do. i almost broke a sweat. BUT my closet looks pretty hot. banana yellow! (: i figured it would be a nice contrast to my room, which is going to be a light peachy pink. i need a chill space in my house that i have control over and isn’t hectic like the rest of my life!

anyway,

it’s 10:20 and i’m still emptyempty. i should probably go take my mega-t pill, but since i need a full glass of water and i don’t want to ask, it can wait. oh yeah & i’m back on those..they seemed to really flatten my tummy before and i only took them for like 12 days before i got lazy. well no more laziness, self! once house is painted i’ll be joining a gym or pool or both and working out!

confident, sexy, beautiful lala is on her way out. because i’m not going by lauren anymore. lauren represents the old me. lala is the girl everyone is jealous of..lala’s going to be mememe (:

is the start of a new age for me.

move #11 in the last 15 years. to the beachhh.

i’m going to be SEXY by the time school starts.

5 weeks. 3 pounds a week. puts me at 107 for school.

no more grandparents + very few old friends + mommy working on all kinds of stuff = a perfect opportunity to starve it up and runrunrunswimswimswimexercise!!

and on top of all of that, i’m finally able to do my daniel fast. my relationship with God has been stronger than ever lately but even so i feel like  need this fast.

107. 107. 107. i should probably write out my goals:

august 7:  119

august 14: 116

august 21: 113

august 28: 110

september 4: 107.

I WILL DO THIS.

i will be strong. because i’m stronger than food. i’ve been messed up and had my ED voice long enough to know that anything’s possible. it’s not even a hard goal. 15 pounds in 5 weeks? nothing. nothing at all. by nothing i mean 1. no challenge and 2. no food! it’s not even hard to hide it when i go out to eat at fastfoodshit joints with mom & brother. there’s always diet soda and the ‘i’m full’ excuse. even if we’re going out with captain i can hide it. they don’t pay that much attention anyway.

107.

107.

107!

so last night i had been doing good until like 5:15, when a friend turned up at my house wanting me to go out.

naturally i did to get out of dinner, saying i’d already eaten and lalala.

but then we went to the mall, and OHMYGOSH. pretzels + fro yo right next to each other. she got a pretzel which she made me eat a bite of,and i bought a fro yo (it was only like 1o ounces) and asked the guy how many cals..150. ONE FIFTY. A HUNDRED AND FIFTY CALORIES. and ZEROOOO fat!!!

i was muy happy at this point. gobbled gobbled up that fro yo, and immediately felt disgusting. grossgrossgross. i wanted to go purge it but she came to the bathroom with me.and then to make matters even worse…

we went to A&F. as in abercrombie and fitch. as in where my on-and-off of about 2 years works. i couldn’t see him looking as fat as i do!!

but we went in anyway, and i tried to fake confidence. which kinda worked, but didn’t matter cause he wasn’t there anyway haha. whatever.

and then we went back out (we were with 3 guys) in their electric blue mustang, which rides like a dream btdubbz. we just went to parks and stuff, and to a high school, before we ended up on a different friend’s porch because she was out of town. at this point, one boy who i’ll call J was sending out some serious ‘please hook up with me’ rays and he’s cute so we went downstairs. he sat down on the jacuzzi and i straddled him and we started kissing.

this wouldn’t have been so bad if his lips weren’t so enormous and didn’t swallow my face, because the boy knew what to do with his hands. like more than any guy i’ve ever hooked up with. but then OF COURSE he has to start talking.

i’m naturally confident with guys. i’m not afraid to say how many i’ve hooked up with (6) because i really did like all of them. but then when he leans back and somehow gets on the topic of how ‘cocky’ i am, and how i’m ‘kiiiinda cute. maybe.’ and then wants to put his hands down the back of my jeans, i’m going to object.

my friends all thought it was funny because all they could hear throughout the whole exchange was ASSWIPE! and me walking up the stairs.

he of course was all embarrassed and tried to play me off as a bitch who wouldn’t really do anything, and i let him say whatever, because i knew i’d damaged his pride. i just pretended to be tired haha.

whatever.

later we walked to my house (me & friend, E) and watched oprah while she ate 1/2 a frozen key lime pie and 4 oreos. i stuck to about 1/14 of said pie, 1 oreo, and 2 diet cokes. then i went to purge it all because i felt too full.

total todayy: 430. total burned: like..400 at the gymmm. and i did some weight training.

so yeah..

ick.

(: