Is this how a star falls?

Okay guys.. as much as I love blogging here, I’ve made the decision to combine this blog with my Tumblr account.
Meaning: I’ll now be blogging there instead of here.

I’ve had 2 blogs here at tpaf & as much as I love you guys & all the support you’ve given me, I’ve just been doing a sort of ‘spring clean’ of all my blogs & accounts & it just makes sense. On Tumblr I can post more material & combine ED related-stuff with more of the normal day-to-day stuff. I’ll still check in from time to time to read up on how you guys are doing, & I hope you’ll still be interested in reading my blog :)

This is my Tumblr:
http://isthishowastarfalls.tumblr.com/

I’m kinda sad to be leaving here, haha. Weird.
Take care of yourself guys. Seriously. You’re all awesome.

So the past couple of day have been a disgusting binge. I don’t even deserve the air that I breathe, I’m such a fat sack of shit. It’s almost like I’m genetically built to fuck things up. If I could separate from my body, I’d come right out & kick it. Useless bitch.

Today was okay but not great. Half of dinner & that’s it. It was ridiculously spicy so I’m hoping that’ll give my metabolism a good kick on the way down. Move it, fatass.

So right now I’m texting a friend, he’s just broken up with his long-term girlfriend so I’m attempting to cheer him up. It’s funny how we can be totally objective & reasonable when we’re dealing with someone else’s problem, but when it’s our own, we fall apart.

My friend’s relationship fell apart because they were both going to Universities in different cities & the stress & worry about going long distance broke them up before they even got there. Whereas it made him clingy & needy & worried, it made her distant & bad-tempered. Textbook stuff, really.

But what it really comes down to was the practicalities. Neither of them thought it would work, so a mutual decision was reached before they really hurt each other. But naturally, my friend blames himself. Insane, I tell him. It wasn’t his fault. Yet all the time in the back of my head, I know that in the same scenario, I would do exactly the same. Failure of any kind = My fault. Too fat. Too ugly. Too fucking useless. But when the situation was applied him – well, naturally he was a fool. He wasn’t to blame.

But no, he insists it was his fault. He was too clingy, too affectionate, he smothered him. That’s not a flaw, I tell him, no such thing as being too loving. Especially given the cunts that I’ve wasted my time on. & yet I knew if it was me, I’d feel suffocated. Unworthy. I hate attention. But no, I tell him, most girls would love a sweet guy who adored them, right?

& lastly, he argues that it is his fault, he is a shitty boyfriend, because every time he tried to support her he failed. He never got it right. Exasperated, I tell him that regardless of whether or not he got it right, he tried his damned hardest. He cared enough to try. ‘Stop beating yourself up for being human. No one’s perfect.’

So why can’t I believe myself?
Why can’t I stop beating myself up?
Why can’t I accept that I am human, & therefore I will be flawed?

Why can’t I ever be good enough?

Why can’t I take my own advice? Useless.

Today’s intake..
Soup – 87cals
Stir fried veg – neg cal
Rice noodles – 190cals
Black bean sauce – 85cals
Altogether = 362.. Not too bad I guess..

Tomorrow I’m going out to dinner with my sisters & I’m already freaking out. I’ve been looking up the calorie contents of the menu & I don’t think I can bring myself to eat ANY of it. Not to mention the fact that I’ve tried 3 or 4 different websites & they’ve all given me totally different numbers – for instance, one site tells me that a chicken breast in pitta bread is 334 cals, but another tells me 267.. What the fuck?!?! I’m already getting anxious. Can anyone recommed a good, accurate site for looking up calorie contents in restaurant menus?
Plus, my youngest sister has a rather worrying habit of copying me when we eat out. She’s only 10, & being a typical kid she’s always snacking through the day but she’s pretty active so she maintains a healthy weight, & when we’re at home she has no problem eating whatever she wants, whenever she wants, but when we’re in public she seems shyer. If I ask for salad instead of fries, she’ll lose the confidence to order fries. If I turn down dessert, so will she – even though just 10 minutes ago she was reading the dessert menu, excitedly trying to decide between chocolate cake or the ice cream sundae. It breaks my heart, because she’s gorgeous – like seriously, gorgeous. Tall, tanned, slim, long legs, big brown eyes, long lashes, perfect button nose. Hell, I’m 19 & I’m jealous of her. & I don’t want her to have to worry about food or what she eats. I mean, I don’t think she’s ED’d, or concerned about her weight, but I just don’t want her picking up on my anxiety or worrying about eating in public :/

Urghh.. *kicks self*
Stupid bitch.

I’m officially addicted to the Sims. I already play on my sister’s DS & last night I bought the iPod version of Sims 3. I was up until like 3am playing it >.< it’s sad isn’t it? Sad that I get so much enjoyment from pretending to be other people & living a fantasy life.
I hate my Sim though. She’s fat. She has these big manly shoulders & thick, chunky legs. None of the clothes looked good on her, but there’s no setting on the iPod version to change her body shape. So I made her get a shitty job in a grocery store, & refused to let her talk to other Sims. She’s too fat to talk to them. & she’s always fucking hungry. I hate her.
It’s weird how much your ED will infiltrate the rest of your life.
I really, really hate her. She reminds me too much of me.

Yesterday wasn’t too bad. Dinner was just some chicken & veggies & so far today I’ve had a handful of grapes, tea & Diet Coke. Mum’s making her roast dinner later, which is so delicious it almost hurts, but I can get away with loads of veg & a little meat. My throat hurts anyway so I can always throw that card on the table.

I guess I have nothing overly interesting to say today, I guess I’ve just spent almost a week shut away in my room & I felt like reaching out to you guys. I read all your blogs, y’know. Honestly. It’s weird how much I feel like I know you all, even though I’ve never met you. So, I’d like to ask you guys a couple of things:
1. I’ve been feeling inspired lately, & I wanted to start up a non-ED blog. I’m not sure what I’d blog about yet, probably fashion, music, creative writing, anything that pops into my mind. Would any of you guys read it? Do you have any ideas for names/pieces I could write?
2. Okay so I really fucking hate using this word – but ana buddy, anyone? *shivers* I used to email & text a few girls from here but they all slowly disappeared or went into recovery – which is awesome, by the way, but I just feel kind of alone, y’know? I don’t want someone to share tips/tricks because to be honest, I don’t want to be responsible for making anyone sicker, & I don’t really need to get sicker myself, but just someone to talk to. Hmmm, anyway, my contact details are all on the ‘My Story’ page, so meh.. maybe one of you lovelies would like to give it a try :)

Think I’m busted. Shit.
So I fasted yesterday, assuming that my sister wouldn’t notice but I think I was wrong :/
I bustled in & out of the kitchen a lot, but other than that I stayed in my room all day. I was way too depressed to watch my kid sister snuggle her boyfriend on the sofa all day.
Anyway, right before she went to bed she asked me if I’d eaten all day.
Shitshitshitshit.
I lied. Badly.

Then this morning my Grandma calls round & asks me to visit. I always feel guilty saying no so I obliged.
BAD FUCKING IDEA. As soon as I walked downstairs she wouldn’t stop going on & on about how my skin is a ‘funny colour’ & I ‘don’t look right’, & in the car ride to her house she kept saying ‘I need to make you some food, I need to feed you’.
FUCK OFF. I’m 19 years old, not 19 months. I don’t need feeding.
Then we got to her house & her & my Grandpa start bugging me to eat lunch. ‘I noticed you didn’t eat breakfast’.
It’s 12.30pm & I got up at noon, Grandma. I haven’t had time to breathe let alone get breakfast.
So, in an effort to apease them, I went into the kitchen & started getting some food together. Just a small ham sandwich. Less that 200cals. That’ll be fine, I can deal with that.
But no, my Grandpa bursts in. My Grandma will make me food, he insists. Not me.
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! I’m nearly 20, I can make my own fucking sandwich! Jesus fucking Christ, what’s wrong with them? I’m not retarded, I think I make some damn food.
Nevertheless I’m escorted to the dining room & made to sit at the table while my Grandpa lays the table in front of me. A knot forms in my stomach. They’ve never been like that. Ever.
I mean, my Grandma always fusses over me. Offers me glasses of milk & sandwiches. But she’s never forced me. Never made me. Never made it for me.
A voice calls from the kitchen. ‘You haven’t been eating properly’. Fuckfuckfuckfuck. The game’s over, girl. Panic.
She comes back in with a huge bowl of soup & 2 huge stacks of white bread. Huge. alksjzsdzfarfdh. I try & calm myself, whilst all the time furiously calculating the calories. Forming excuses.
Then, she sits herself right in front of me & watches me. Like a hawk. All the time reasoning. That’ll give you some energy. That’ll fill you up. That’ll make you feel better. I don’t know who she was arguing with but I wasn’t convinced.
I forced down the soup & one slice of bread. 264 calories. Enough to keep her happy.

After that she seemed happy enough to leave me alone.
Until it was time for her to make my Grandpa’s dinner. Did I want any?
Did I fuck. You can shove your dinner. I’ve seen how much oil & butter she uses.
& I don’t need her watching me like a hawk again.
No thankyou, my Dad’s making dinner later. She seems to accept this.

Anyway. Then I got to my Dad’s & he’d made dinner. Meatballs & spaghetti. Fuck my fat life.
Most of it was stir fried veggies, there was like 4 meatballs. Then I just ate a few mouthfuls of spaghetti.
But noone said anything. Thank fuck.

I’m sick of people freaking out all the time. I’m a perfectly healthy weight & BMI right now. I’m not dangerously underweight, I still get my period. So LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. Why don’t people understand that the way to deal with someone with an ED isn’t just to force feed them?! Seriously, that would be like treating someone who was afraid of the dark by locking them in a pitch black room. If anything, it’s going to make things worse. When I’m forced to eat, I binge because I’m afraid of anyone calling me out on not eating enough. Afraid that they won’t leave me alone unless I prove that I can eat. But then what? I spend the next 4 days riddled with even more self-hate, knocking back laxies & fasting. I’ll eat when I’m good & ready. So just back off.

I haven’t left my room all day or spoken to anyone due to shame.
I was out with some friends last night discussing the ‘how long is it plausible to wait for him to call me?’ situation when my friend looked concerned & asked what his name was.
Turns out she knows some 16 year old he screwed around a while ago. & then my other friend quietly admits that she’s heard he has a reputation too. She didn’t want to say anything. Awesome.
I knocked back a few cocktails, nursed my ego & managed to ignore the knot in my stomach.
Fuck him. Who cares? I didn’t even like him that much, & I go back to Uni in a month.

But a few hours & several drinks later I can’t cover it up anymore. I’m hurt. Humiliated.
Images of him laughing with his friends enter my mind. I hear the gossip ringing in my ears.
“I don’t normally do this kind of thing either, baby, but it feels different with you.” How many others has he said that to?  Well I bet they were all prettier than you, fatass. You believed that shit? You’re pathetic.
So I stumble into a taxi, & manage to hold back the tears until I get home, when I immediately break down & stuff my face. I’m such a fucking idiot.

Y’know what I hate the most? I didn’t even like him that much. He wasn’t my type. I don’t even want to date him. The most I figured I’d get was some small talk & maybe one more encounter. It was going to be casual. I was going to keep myself guarded & not get emotionally involved. But I was okay with that, ‘cus he was cute & funny.
So why do I even care? So he wasn’t that into me. Big deal. I’ve put up with a lot worse from guys.

But what bothered me was two things, one: that everyone else knew, & now I’m just the drunk slut that got with the jerkwhofucksgirlsaround.
I’m one of those girls.
Everyone knows that he doesn’t give a shit & I meant nothing.
Does that make sense?
Two: I did it again. I made myself vulnerable to another human being & they used it as an excuse to fuck me over. I showed him my body. Jesus. He saw all of my flaws, then got up & left. My biggest fear.
But then what did I expect? I’m hideous. No wonder he fucked off.
Either way, I need to pick myself up & rebuild some barriers. I’ve been way too trusting lately, & this is what I get.

On the bright side (in a twisted sort of way), this whole thing has kicked me into touch ED-wise. I’m fasting today & so far, as of 5:45pm, I’ve consumed nothing except one Diet Coke. It wasn’t even intentional, I just don’t want to eat. I don’t want anything in my body. Even if I am light-headed & shaking. I want to be as small & fragile & insignificant as I feel inside. I want to feel the pain of hunger. Punishment. For being a cheap slut. For being stupid enough to think that anyone would want to stick around. For eating like a fat little piggy this week because of my period.

Not good enough.

Apparently he’s the biggest man-whore in town.
& everyone knew except me.
I want to die.

That’s what I am. Just a stupid, ugly whore.
I went to a party last night. Met a boy. He gave me cigarettes & we talked for hours.
He was nice. Funny. Cute.
& this morning I woke up next to him half-dressed.

I felt really comfortable with him. It was like we knew each other ages.
We made jokes & cuddled & he said he’d call me later.
& now here I am, 2 hours & 45 minutes after  the time he gave me & still no call.
Because he thinks you’re a cheap, easy slut who jumps into strange beds with random guys.
He woke up in the morning & noticed how fat & ugly you are & now he doesn’t want anything to do with you.
He got what he wanted, you disgusting cow.
& now he’s probably with all his friends, laughing at the fat whore he met last night. Laughing at you.

God, I’m such a fucking IDIOT. Not to mention everyone who was there knows.
People I don’t even know think I’m a drunken slut.

Urgh. I’m gonna go shower. Wash him off of me.

My Mum is being such a psycho bitch from hell today.
I know I’m hardly one to talk, but she’s actually driving me insane.
She just told me her headache is stress-related because she can’t actually ‘deal’ with living with me & my family right now.
That’s awesome Mum. Because it’s such a fucking joy to live with you, riding on the waves of whatever mood swing you’re having.

That’s what drives me crazy about my Mum. & my sister actually.
I have my bad days, & boy are they fucking bad, & yeah, I probably do bite people’s heads off a little but mostly I keep myself to myself, shut away in my room.
What I DON’T do is storm around the house, snapping at anyone who even looks at me wrong, sighing every time someone talks to me as if it’s such a fucking inconvenience..
& I certainly don’t tell people how much they’re pissing me off, no matter how hard I want to punch them in the face. I don’t turn around to my Mum & sister & tell them so I actually can’t bear to spend another minute in their presence because they’re so damn stressful.
I could probably understand if she was at work all day because she has a stressful job but she’s off for like, a month over summer. & it’s not even like she had other stuff to do today. She took my sister to her boyfriend’s, & then sat in front of the fucking TV all day. I’ve been in my room all day, & my stepdad cooked dinner for him & her. & we’re too stressful to live with? You’re hard fucking work yourself.

Urgh, rant over.
I’m sorry, I must come across as such a bitch on here. I’m always ranting about people.
Or trying to pick between my best friend & my ex boyfriend.
I am a horrible person.

I made cupcakes today. Vanilla cakes with pink strawberry icing & then I decorated them all differently – some had mini marshmallows, some had sprinkles, some had little chocolate stars.
I’m spending the weekend with my uni flatmates so I’m gonna take them with me for them to eat.
I’ve never really understood people (with EDs) who enjoy cooking/baking for other people so much. I’ve read about it on forums but I always figured the food would be too tempting, but I actually enjoyed it. It was kind of therapeutic to sit  in my kitchen with little bowls of decorations, piping icing & perfectly arranging toppings. It felt good to know I was making something nice for other people to enjoy, plus I got to embrace my creative side ;) of course I’m a total perfectionist in my head but somehow my physical efforts never seem good enough, but these were actually pretty cute :)

Plus I burned a good 160cals on the bike today.. Wanted to do more but my knee jammed up :/ I dunno if I’ve damaged it biking but it always clicks when I’m on & today it just jammed & was super painful :/ at least dinner wasn’t big so I think I still did okay cal-wise..
Veggie fingers: 108cals
Salad: neg cal
Few mouthfuls of baked potato: ??

So yeah spending the weekend with uni friends tomorrow & there’s a photoshoot involved :/ another friend of ours works at a salon & they’re doing this thing where you get a bunch of free treatments & stuff & then they take photos or something.  Fuck knows what I was thinking when I agreed to go but she guilted me into it & begged me to do it as a favour. She said there was free champagne so I’m hoping I can get wasted & then I’ll be less self-concious..
Doesn’t help that 2 of the friends I’m going with have both lost weight since we last saw each other. Kelly was tiny anyway, but she told me she’s been exercising over summer so she’s probably lost & Sarah says she’s lost 10lbs on this diet. So once again I work my ass off like a crazy lady & I’m still the fat friend. Urgh.

I mean, I THINK I’ve lost around 20lbs since I left uni for summer. I’m just trying to remember what weight I was at when I left & unless I’ve gained today, I make it a 20lbs loss.
Fuck.
That sounds like so much more when you put it like that.
Holy shit if it was anyone else I’d be impressed.
If it was anyone else they’d look amazing.
Why doesn’t it look like I’ve lost 20lbs?!?!
My legs are a little smaller, but I’ve still got a huge muffin top & love handles.
Fuckfuckfuck. I wish I took photos so I could compare.
Either way I’m still fat.
It’s not like anyone’s even noticed anyway. Noone. Noone at all.

Maybe I’m wrong? Maybe I did my calculations wrong?
Or.. maybe I’m just a fatass.

I weighed myself this morning & apparently I’m down 7lbs.
This means either…
1) My scales were lying yesterday when they told me I gained 2lbs & I did actually achieve my goal of losing 5lbs!
2) My scales were lying today & I’m actually a fat cow.
I guess I’ll have to weigh myself tomorrow & then we’ll see which scenario is true…

Today was good, spent 4 hrs walking around town with a friend, consumed nothing except green tea & Diet Coke until dinner which was:
Baked fish with tomato sauce – 195cals
Steamed green beans – negative cals, apparently…
Steamed potatoes – 60cals
Which makes…  255cals?

Erm, yeah. So I had a dream about Seth last night.
I was at this crazy party, & then I went outside & he was lying on the ground. I sat next to him & we started to talk. We talked some more, & he chased me around the trees.

God, I miss him.
I texted him earlier & he took like 3 hours to reply.
& I pretty much want to cry right now.

But I was speaking to Robert earlier… dzlfxjdfjgaerhfhfhawrdf.
Jesus Christ, I’m such a piece of shit.
If I was anyone else, I’d hate me.