Ugh.  I need to remember to never eat dinner with my family again.

I just counted up my calorie intake for the day, and it’s ridiculous.  The worst part is, I don’t even have access to a gym or anything out here.  I guess I could snag the boyfriend and go running down the road.  He’s too lazy for that though, and I’m scared of the dark.  Sad, I know.

Starting Monday, I’m going vegetarian for a month.  Maybe longer.  That way I won’t be tempted by nasty fast food, and when the parents want me to have a meal with them, I can decline, since father is a complete carnivore and doesn’t believe in a meal without dead animal.

I’m still plateaued at the same weight that I’ve been at.  Although I think it’s just all this stress that I’ve been under, I really haven’t been feeling up to going to the gym and eating right.  Once I get all moved and situated though, I’m getting back on track.

So much for being back.

The computer is in about 100 pieces on my floor…We got tired of it crashing.

I haven’t been keeping up with anyone’s blogs lately, it’s really hard to get on with my phone, since that’s something else that hates me.

I hope all of you are doing amazingly well!

I’ve lost a little weight since my last post.  I only know because I can now wear a dress I haven’t been able to zip up since last year.

=]

I guess it helps constantly moving at work, and never having time to eat.

I still wish I had a scale though.  I got on the one at my parents today, and it said I was still around the same as last time.  =[  It saddens me, because last time I weighed myself here, I went to the doctor the day after and they said I was 10 pounds heavier than it said here.  That just made me want to curl up in a hole and disappear.  Ugh.

I’m moving back out to the middle of nowhere.  Hopefully that will help with my will power, since I won’t have all sorts of restaurants tempting me.  I think Whataburger is the only place around, and that’s like a 10 minute or so drive in itself.

The only problem is the fact that I won’t have internet out there.  Sooooo, I won’t be able to get on here hardly at all again.  =[  It really helps me being able to read everyone’s blogs, and see that I’m not the only one struggling, or see that it is possible to succeed.

That being said, if anyone wants to be texting buddies, just let me know.  I’ve got to put that unlimited texting package to use.

I’ll try to be on again tomorrow, and throughout the weekend.  I’ll be back and forth with packing and putting in applications for jobs.

Stay strong!

It’s nice to have a computer again.  Even if said computer is just a pile of junk.

I’ve felt weird not being able to get on here every day.  Although I’m back now.  Sadly not much has changed.

I got a new job.  [yay]

New job is in the food industry.  [not yay]

Job is at Subway.  [maybe yay?]

I only get the lowest amount of hours possible.  [horribly not yay]

Therefore, I’m still horribly stressed, and still threatening the boyfriend every day.  It seems like once things start going my way, everything goes downhill.  Like with this whole eating thing, I was doing great, exercising, not eating hardly anything, I was happy.  Now, I eat everything I can get my hands on.  The other night, I was eating peanut butter right out of the jar with a spoon.  What kind of person does that??!!?  I can’t remember the last time I got some exercise, other than running around at work.  Although the air conditioner in the apartment has been on the fritz, and I really don’t feel like working out then coming home to it being over 90.  We’ve hopefully got it fixed now, so that means I’ll be at the fitness center tomorrow.

I’ve decided I don’t like boyfriend living with me.  He always complains about not having any food, and always has to use all the money we ever get for food, because he “just has to eat”.  I’m getting tired of it.  I also feel that he’s pushing me to eat.  For one, I can’t not eat if it’s here, I don’t have that much willpower, and also he’s always saying stuff about how I barely eat as it is.  I feel like he’s just watching me every time I go to the kitchen.

I can’t kick him out though, I need the money he might start making if he ever gets a job.  ><

Sorry for the horribly long post, I just need to get some of that stuff out.

It’s good to be back.

I took a little break from everything.  It was much needed, sometimes I just can’t really handle what life throws at me.  Which is a lot these days.

I’ve decided to start working harder for what I want.

I did really good today, I burned more calories than I took in.  =]  I was really happy to see that.

Tomorrow should be even better.

I will do this.  I will succeed.  I am so much better than failure.

I think I’m going to go off into something other than food related here.  I just need some place to vent.  If you’re reading this, you can just end here.  It’s going to be just emotion filled blah-ness.

I’ve been really emotional lately, as in breaking down at least once every day.  Everything is just flinging itself at me all at once.

I don’t have a job, boyfriend doesn’t have a job, bills are piling up, bank account is in the negative, mother doesn’t want to help, boyfriend and I have been fighting horribly lately, cutting has become an every day thing, memories are eating away at what is left of me.

And so on, and so on.

Do you ever hear a certain song, or smell something in particular, or just feel the way the weather is, and you just double over from the pain of remembering?

I do.  I’ve been listening to a lot of the music I listened to back in the “better days”, and it just fills me with such overpowering sorrow.  I just want to build a time machine and fix everything I’ve messed up.  That isn’t possible though, so I’ve just got to find a way to make things better, and survive in the process.

I guess I just need an outlet for everything.

three.little.lines.

blood red against the white of my skin.

“no one will ever know”

“don’t stop now”

“just one more”

i’m scared of what is happening to me.

I don’t want to be me anymore.

I don’t want to be anyone.

I just want to not exist.

I’ve taken so many pills today I can barely see straight.

But that’s the side effect of one of them, dizziness.

I’ll never be good enough for anyone.

I hate when my friends try to tell me differently.

They wouldn’t even notice if I were gone.

Well, I didn’t eat much today.  It was still too much though.

I had a hamburger patty [I was proud of myself there, because the boyfriend made me two, and I only ate one, he finished the other three], two scrambled eggs, and a brownie.  I shouldn’t have eaten the brownie, but I’ve been wanting one for sooooo long, and the roommate brought some home.  Ugh.

I went to the fitness center again, but didn’t stay long enough at all.  It was way too hot in there again, so I left after doing just like 5 minutes on the treadmill.  I’m a failure.  But I was getting sick.

I’ve decided that to distract myself from food I’m going to learn guitar.  I’ve been working on some songs, but I’m not good with chords.  It is a good distraction though.  When I get all tiny, I’ll be able to play guitar too.  It’s a win-win situation.

Anyone done the lemon juice detox diet?  The roommate bought me maple syrup so I could try it.  I just don’t know how well it would actually work.  Although I guess since all I’ll be having during it is the drink stuff it can’t be too bad.

I’ll let you guys know once I get some lemons and try it.

Yesterday wasn’t a complete failure.

I had a bit of Jello, and about a quarter of a pork chop.

Then I went to the gym and worked it all off.

It was when I got back that the trouble started.

For some reason I decided I was hungry, even though I wasn’t.  So I ate a bowl of Hamburger Helper, then two scrambled eggs, and then some peanut butter and jelly.  No bread though, just peanut butter and jelly mixed together.

I felt horrid after eating it all, so naturally I purged.  That’s the third day in a row I’ve done this.  I need to stop.  It just feels so good to be able to get rid of all that.

Today will be better.  I hope.  Maybe if I just keep telling myself that, it will happen.

These past few days have been horrible.

I’ve been eating so much, and I got back into the habit of purging.  Which is something I haven’t done in 2 years, because I told myself I would NEVER do it again.  I’ve done it the past two days.  It felt so good, and I just felt so relieved to be in that kind of control again.  I need to stop it though.  I’d much rather just not eat.

That’s what I’m going to do tomorrow.  I’m not going to eat anything, unless it’s something small so I don’t feel horrible when I work out again.  But I will definitely work it off.

I can do this.

I will do this.

I will be strong.

I am going to succeed.

So, I’ve got to kick things up a notch.

I’ve never liked that saying, but it’s the only thing appropriate.

According to the scale at my parent’s house, I’ve lost 10 pounds since Wednesday.  For some reason I’m not believing it.  I’ll run with it though.  I really need to get a scale of my own.  That would help me a lot.  Silly that I don’t have one, right?  Just saying, if the scale was right, that’s 10 pounds in 4 days.  Which isn’t too bad.  I don’t think.  I’d rather drop more though.  Hopefully it will happen.  I’ve been noticing I haven’t been hungry at all these past few days.  That’s something I can live with.

But now, things are just more pressing for me to lose weight.

Jimmy Buffett and others are going to be doing an oil spill concert, and I have GOT to go.

I’ve always loved Jimmy Buffett.  That’s what living in Florida will do to you.  Plus, a free concert by him?  Who wouldn’t go?  Only problem is….It’s on the beach.  Ugh.  I’m still way too flabby for the beach!  I’ll look like a beached whale.  So I really need some help with this, if any of you lovely dolls would like to lend some support?

I’m weak.