More than ever I wish I was good enough.. Every hint you seem to give persuades me that it might be possible, and then I realize who I am, and I know it’s not.
Getting glimpses of you, and talking like friends, is all I’ll ever get, and maybe all I diverse from you.
But just this once, I would kill to be good enough:
Pretty enough
funny enough
anything enough.. just enough to make it possible..
You wear what I gave you on your wrist.
and i think it more than it is..
To you it will be friendship forever, but to me it will be another relationship I’ve lost to myself.
Will I be alone forever..? to afraid of making someone deal with me… I know everyone could do better, so why would anyone choose me from a pool of people..
nothing special… no one would want to flaunt me.. as someone they love.
I literally never want to eat again. I skipped breakfast, is now skipping lunch, and without a doubt is skipping dinner.
Is going running.
Weights.
Total=0
Tomorrow the same.
and the next
and the next
and then Thursday I’ll have a liquid diet.
Friday a fruit & Veg. diet, and then that same day I will be home for my diet pills.
I never want to eat again… I hate myself so much… I really do just want to not exist.
I never want to eat again. any tips?
This week was filled with binging. I’m ready to find myself again and be good. I gained a pound or two and I feel like death. I hate myself so freaking much. I ordered the strongest diet pills I could find, and there have pretty rough side effects, but I’m desperate. The thing is, I sent them to my house address because i’ll be home with weekend for labor day. The pills are suppose to arrive in 3-5 days. I’ll be home Friday. Starting monday, I’ll be racing those pills to my house to try and get to the mail before my mom. Wish me luck. I rather have nothing to explain for, and if I end up not getting there in time… I have a feeling I will have a lot to lie/explain.
~~~
Meanwhile, school is going alright. I’ve been depressed, and I feel lost. Feeling like shit makes binging happen more often. I don’t know what to do.
I can’t stand myself right now.
I’m losing it
I’m losing everything
but weight.
1,100 calories today once I work out. They are all healthy calories like salad, apples, oranges, and such but it’s still a bummer. I’m still at 113 for anyone who cares..
Today I did good until about an hour ago. I wanted to binge, but had nothing to binge on.. So I binged on oranges and protein powder(its a long story.. sorta) lol.. So now my calories are high but I’m going to go running in a few. I feel bloated.. so bloated. Tomorrow morning I’m just having coffee for breakfast, and then salad for lunch. Then I’m going to try and skip dinner, or have one piece of fruit. Tomorrow isn’t a fasting, just a take control, get ride of bloating day.
I hope I haven’t gained tomorrow morning. It’s easier to stick to plans when you are inspired to do so. :/ So upset… Last night my cals got to 1825! and I actually weighed less in the morning…. 0_0 weird..
Anyways I’m wishing for that luck again for tomorrow, doubt it will happen though.. I mean you can’t fuck up twice in a row and expect some happy dandy ending. I’m slick and bloated. Once it settles I’m running.
I got back on track today, but seeing my weight still in the high numbers is freaking me out.. I have to calm down and keep doing well, I know. But I just can’t keep myself from spazzing.. 115/116.. Just a few days ago I was 112. =(
Got to 700 today, 600 tomorrow and running. God.. I’m so scared..
We all know this weekend sucked! Well, I was planning on getting on track tomorrow, and being way strict the rest of the week and guess what? My friend messaged my (she goes to my school) and told me she wants to start working out again because she’s starting to see some freshman 15. (Side Note: she has NO ED she is just wanting to run a bit. She used to be on track. She is def. not looking at this the way I am). I agreed.
We are going to go running 2-3 times a week. Now, though that doesn’t seem like to much in comparison to some of you guys this will give me motivation to actually do some type of workout! and keep it consistent. When I’m running with someone I also tend to work harder. Now with me doing weights in my room, and my friend FORCING me to run 3 times a week (an hour each) I gotta be getting back on track.
-Don’t give up what you want the most for something you want now-
Obviously my weight wasn’t to good today because of last night, but I’m having a hard time getting back on track 
I need to fast, and get rid of all these extra calories, but idk. I have to be in the right set of mind to do so. I just need some help… I gotta just get back in control. I’ve done so well I def. don’t wanna go back to what I was… Advice? how do you guys get back in control..??
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Should I fast tomorrow or eat up to 300 calories?
I want to give you guys good news, I want to tell you guys I haven’t eaten anything , and I’m losing again. Please give me support..
Idk what I’m doing tomorrow. But I know a fast is happening this week sometime, if i have the will power tomorrow that is when it will start. When I begin this fast it’s going to last. I gotta make up for this fucked up weekend. I’m going to see how long I can go.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I decided I’m going to aim for fasting but If i can’t I’ll have only 200calories.
Nice quote I found:
“don’t give up what you want the most, for something you want now”
Pretzel M&M’s have 150 calories in a whole bag.
I fucked up… bad
sorta fasting tomorrow.
B-Milk=70
L-Apple=100
D-soup=100
S- carrots=30
that’s just the back up plan. I’m going for nothing… help/ wish me luck