I’m a good girl when..

it’s breakfast timee.

It’s lunch time.

It’s night time.

It’s dinner time.

All the time, except,

Freakin after noon!

right when I get home from school..

3:30-4:30..I just can’t do it.

Thin.

I have too much flesh.

I’m not qualified for my jeans, or the scale.

tiny.

my body is too big.

food is not needed.

weightless.

Already totaled today,

Breakfast: Half thin bagel-70

Cream cheese-70

Lunch:baked cheetos-100

Dinner: Soup-100

Total-340 calories.

&&& going to the gym to burn off those lovely calories. (:

Stay strong!

Dry your eyes.

-Placebo

It’s kind of a sad song and kinda old, and kinda weird, but its good.

does anyone feel like their just in another world?

I’m lost in my head, a place foreign to everyone else.

And I here songs all the time, some of them get me really down,

reminding me of when I’d listen to them on repeat for hours.

And this is was when I was skinny and doing good, and these songs were used to distract me, I just wish I was that good again, I wish I would’ve realized how life was fine then,

ugh today, aunt flow came, i’m bloated and fat, and feel like crap. My mood is out the window while music, the gym and my bedroom seem to be the only thing I want right now.

Anyway no real appetite, I’ve been doing things to make me feel better, eye brows done, fingers and toes, a dark dark purpleish color with a hint of sparkle, its really pretty. And shopping, i’ve been getting a lot of clothes, but my body still doesnt look good. Just make me,

skinny.

I just love reading all of your blogs,

you get me through the day xoxoox

maybe I wasn’t made for this world?

I’m thinking that, somehow I can never just do it right. Never me, never perfect.

Have you ever felt like your world just collapsed, and I couldnt say heart dropped, because that has to much feeling. Simply numb.

Just absent from your body because you hurt.

I’m sick, I’m tired, restless and incredibly done with life.

Twins were over again tonight with other people, we talked and had fun.

Until my sisters dumbbitchslut friend came along, I hate her, always have.

She was totally mean to me all night, then suggests to my sister she should hit on the guy I like to get over her ex. Uh no slut, he is too young for her and I talked to him, he doesn’t like her. She forces them together they both don’t want it.

I suggest the cutie who’s actually my sisters age.  the slut yells at me saying he’s so hers and everyone better back off. Sorry hun, He is far to cute for your blubber body. She is flabby and so not pretty enough for him. So she sends my sister off for a guy that’s 4 years younger and I like. Thanks.

Everyone then finds out she’s trying to set them up, the guy I like gets yelled at by four people for not making an effort and flirting with her, instead he stands and talks to me.

Then he gets pushed in a room with her, they talk,

she

keeps

coming

on

to

him.

She still likes her ex. Her friends will get mad if she doesn’t. I tell myself all these things while I wait in the main room. Music blaring. Head dizzy, world crushed.

SHE kisses him, later she tells me it was really awkward.

She apologizes about six times, I’m so sorry. I really am sorry. Don’t be mad, please? I’m sorry.

She is about to leave for another party. Her dumb slut friends told her I couldnt go. It doesnt matter, because right now I want to cry. She says again, I’m so sorry, don’t be mad okay? Text me? I stare off. Give me a hug? I go to my room.

Everyone is gone. It’s just me. I’m alone, of course. It’s not really even about him, I mean i’m upset about him, but its not like i’m that obsessed. it’s more like, Have you ever not been wanted by anyone? you live in these footsteps everyday for everyone else, but your truly not happy and no one really cares about you? like am I really that bad? really that ugly? fat? pathetic? worthless? that not one soul on this planet would care to hold my hand, to hold me.

It’s like I’m down so low I can’t fall.

more than anything, someone just hug me, someone let me close my eyes, let me lapse into your arms and leave this world. Help me find the truth, the meaning and love.

How many times before its over?

Today I did not eat all day, until out to dinner with family, but it’s whatever.

Maybe I partied it all off? Ha.

My sister decided to make a shin dig happen at my house, kick back, party, bash, whatever you call it.

Ugh, I am so much more than exhausted but really satisfied with the night, and it went like this..

So we bought a custom hookah (hand blown glass) and its super pretty, people were drinking a little, music playing, I sat next to the hookah taking a hit every once in a while.

The beginning was slow but sped up. Right then the two most gorgeous boys to walk the planet came in to MY house. Along with about six others. They came to the table and sat down right next to me as Alexis introduced everyone, but I already sortaish kinda knew them. All eyes kind of went to me, my name was said and I smiled.

These two gorgeous boys are twins and one year older but they are connected to most of my friends through weird ties. I personally like twin 1 better, but either would do aha.

Twin 1′s gorgeous tan skin glowed under the dim light and his eyes twinkled with the slightest bit of red from substance.

I shared my mouth piece (handle?) with him from the hookah. It was glorious and we smiled, and laughed and he was just oh so too cute.

It all went on and we played obnoxious games and things were funny and I was drinking. Before I knew it I was far beyond buzzed.

I could feel the heat of the alcohol, not sweaty, but the hot sensation of bacardi pumping through your body. Its fire, It’s ice.

It was all in the moment and all sensational. Many guys talked to me, some gave me glances, I knew tonight I looked pretty okay. A lot of the guys were chill and interesting but my mind kept swinging to Twin 1.

We all gathered round the big table and played (kings cup?) really fun, And twin sat right next to me, our legs touched for the slightest second and we didn’t flinch or say anything. He talked to me in between turns and when he got confused on what to do. Oh my my, I just can’t believe he was at my house.

The more I think about it the more I can’t wait to brag to my closest friends, OH MY GOODNESS, GUESS WHO WAS AT MY HOUSE! Yes, the K twins. (:

No way? you’re kidding! I’m so jealous! liar! what happened?

Guess what again?!

I TALKED TO THEM!

great night,

sleep tight.

<3 me.

Tired but can’t sleep.

Hungry but can’t eat.

Sad but can’t weep.

it’s the nothingness inside,

routine. routine. routine. Life is so repetitive.

Determined. Empty. Skinny. Pretty. Hungry. Craving. Urging. Eating. binging.

Purging. Guilty. Ugly. Fat. Determined. Empty. Skinny. Pretty. Hungry. Craving.

Urging. Eating. Binging. Purging. Repeat.

Just let me shed this

skin.

So I can be pretty once

again.

I am just a pudgy pillar, waiting to turn into a beautiful butterfly.

I’m home alone but I was asked to make dinner for family,

in return mom is taking me tanning and to target tonight.

I made them twice baked potatoes, dinner rolls and some vegetables.

(Bahah family, you’re going to get fat.) it’s all awaiting them under keep warm in the oven. I am so strong I resisted.

I made myself, cup of brown rice-150 calories

and cup of veggies (Negative calories!) -80 calories

total-230, thats my total for the day, plus, it was all healthy.

I could hardly finish my plate, the food was delicious but I really couldn’t,

I was just getting too full and grossed out by food in general.

i’m glad thats over. I’m glad the day is coming to an end. I’m glad tomorrow’s friday.

hah sorry, a novel, as in sooo freakin long. Sorry about the long post.

I had a relatively good day.

School is just so…school. I mean I guess I love the distraction, its nice to have somewhere to be, somewhere away from the root of all evil. Food.

It started out sloppy, I couldn’t find anything to wear and when I did it was something I through together, I cut my dark abercrombie jeans into capris, folded the ends they looked brand new. I wore those with a white flowy top, that had crochet on the back, and bronze gladiators. Curly hair. I thought it was well, decent. But apparently the biggest brat in bratty two shoes land didnt think so.

Samantha, yes we know you’re rich, yes we know you have everything, but no need to embarrass others.

I got up to write something on the board and in front of the whole class she yells, Haley, did you make those capri’s yourself? I smile, yep! She kinda laughs, I can feel the glare in her voice, well I guess that’s cheaper than buying new ones.

I’m not the least bit poor, but she can definitely twist things around.  Anyway, that set my day wrong.

But then I found out my bestfriend, were like a duo! is switching all of her classes to my exact schedule (:

Then the day was good until, global, I sat there just wanting to cry. I have no idea, I was just so unsure of myself, and everything around me, it all just needed to be gone.

But that ended. It was fine. I came home, I put on music, and let it all out.

Yes friends, Cleaning is a great way to vent! So I totally cleaned/organized my room. It took two hours. I left the window open the whole time, listening to the steady rain, and letting the overcast clouds darken my room.

It’s a beautiful day. After that I rhinestoned everything in sight, something I do when i’m stressed, managed to make four new clips, one head band, and I did my calculator out of boredom.

Right now I have not eaten in about 21 hours and I am going to eat dinner, just can’t decide. Any suggestions? :/

Urban outfitters put’s out a shirt that says,

Eat less.

Haha, promoting starvation for fashion.

I don’t know why this makes me laugh, but all in all, Go Urban Outfitters.

Sophia Bush is boycotting shopping there,

she doesnt get it because she is a twig.

I’ve had the most massive head ache all day.

it hurts so bad, so I remained away from my diet pills today.

Family had pizza last night and it’s in the fridge, I can’t tell you how bad I want it. But, I know how strong I am, and I don’t need pizza to make me happy.

I think more than anything I just need to feel,

something?

I am tired.

I am so jealous of my other ana buddies, they just seem so good, not only food wise, but person wise. They are such good people and they just have the perfect lives. Anyway, hoping tomorrow will be a better day.

*Project runway starts thursday, its an excellent thinspo show.