Ana is that you?
No its me Mia.
See your hungry now eat these chips
oo what about some cookies
Dinner from last night your mom saved
Doughnuts, granola, ice cream
Soda, orange juice. water
See your tummy is so swollen
YOUR A FAT GLUTEN FAT ASS GO TO HELL!
Now go get ride of that before you permanently look fat
*shut bathroom door*
*flush toilet*
come out, all better!
Wrong you still the same weight as before
the scale will not leave those horrible numbers from the day before
i’m a fail the size of a whale

so i went to volleyball conditioning today thinking it would help my fat ass out  you know?
so i wouldn’t be sitting on it all effn day
only problem i ate like a horse when i got home
and i couldn’t purge for the life of me
i just have to have all this effen food left in me
and the worse part of it all my parents are making me eat a second dinner like who the hell does that!
Also the coaches demand you eat for volleyball
and if they see you drop hella weight you get kicked off the
team for “health reasons”
What is up with this sport?
Thats the way i work i can’t stop i need to lose lose lose
not gain gain gain
I’m already not a big eater how am i suppose to stop
just for a sport
i ate way to much and still have to eat and most likely
can’t purge mothers is watching me like a hawk
dumb dumb stupid body
why would you faint?
Why do you crave calories that are so horrible for you?
Is there anyway i could magicly love myself?
What is wrong with me my friends love themselves!
But the difference is i’m just to fat !
Ana please make it better!
make me want to look in the mirror and let me see my beautifle bones!
bones are there for us!
there ment to be seen or why else would we have them!
Bones= Beauty

So i’m finally back from my hell hole of a trip

don’ t get me wrong it was really fun besides this family eating every effen meal! 3 meals & 7days it was horrible

the worse thing i couldn’t refuse the food and we went out tons and my friend would follow me to the bathroom

i’ve never felt so horrible in my life i’ve eaten 21 meals! uck i’ve gained so much weight i don’t think any amount of starving can even

cut it down !

o boy!

i really hate this you know!

all this fat on my body not needing it

i’m never going to be able to wear a bikini not even to my own effen party yeah i have like a month

but no effen way i’ve probably had like 10000000000000 calories

like i’m having a fucking freak attack!

So my plan is i’m going to be gone all 4th so my friends will just think i ate a big breakfast

and my parents will think i ate with my friends

the only thing is a really want to drink

but i don’t want to be responsible for those fucking calories

so i guess it water for me this independence day

isn’t that ironic

on independence day i’m dependant on the voice in my head

to carry me back to striving for perfection

irony is a bitch

life sucks

i hate this

i hate my fat

i hate eating

i just can’t do it anymore

i’m through with it

but my body is a weak little bitch

it needs food or it shuts down.

dumb ass body you want to look pretty

who cares if i die

i don’t deserve to live

fat and ugly

uck one thing i hate about Birthday Parties is its all about food

all we do is sit around and eat till we warm up to each other

then start doing something

then its food time

then cake time

then just a ton of candy

worse place for me to ever go

i just ate with my friend Sierra she is a “re-covering ana”

her mom made her

but then she got confidence

its weird to me how confident she is

but she understands where i’m coming from

only bad thing she made me eat

a burger  patty

and some watermelon

i know pretty bad

but no birthday cake or chips or m&ms even though they were all over the place

just some gum and tons of lip gloss

so i didn’t fuck it up  i wouldn’t eat

it works kinda well i don’t really know

only problem i was so cold only down side to not eating

your always cold ugg brrr.

to bad i’ll be away from the internet for a week

i’m going to tahoe with my friend

to bad i’m going to have to eat

the numbers on mr. Scale will

rise

and rise

greater

and greater

i hate you food

why must i eat you to be normal and not “un-healthy”

why am i frowned upon from adults

are you jealous i’m able to control what i shove in my mouth

or that this voice tells me i can’t eat

do you want to be skinny?

of course you do we all want to be pretty

but here is the difference

I’m sick enough to pursue my desires

eating make me sick and ashamed

that all life is

sick

and

ashaming

America judges so much about people

then they wonder why we all develop psyhcological problems

and obsessions with our bodies

i miss being normal

but i can’t eat like that

never

gain tons of fat?

never

i need to see bones only way i know i’m close to leaving this place

i want to be pretty

bones are gorgeous

i love feeling my hip bones

andwhere my stomach is seperating from them when i’m lying down

i want to go so low

so low i have a skinny high

i’m high off of my own bones

a heaven where everyone is just like me

not forced to eat

just being what they want

what we all want

beauty

i want beauty so bad

i want to look like everyone

Beautifle

Happy

Thin

-Brittany

It seems like everyone now has secrets i know i have secrets i have many.
better can i keep it?
can i fake i’m normal?
can i pretend i’m not in pain from hunger?
can i keep the secret that i haven’t eaten in four days at a time?
i use to just need to know who to trust with who i liked and what i’ve done sexually. But life isn’t that easy for me anymore with this stupid little voice. telling people makes me sound crazy. So i have to make sure none ever knows. too late my frineds watch to closly. i hate it i’m going to tahoe even though she knows my little secret her parents don’t i have to eat i’m going to gain every little bit of weight i have lost i don’t want to be fatter! I hate i have to keep secrets i hate my throat burns as i fall asleep because my fucking mother wants me to eat dinner then tries to catch me puking.
Only problem with that plan
I’m smartier
She never catches me
She can’t make me keep food down
She can’t ever make me do anything anymore
I have my own mind set i don’t need hers anymore
I want to be pretty
But i don’t think anyone gets it.
My friend Kim doesn’t get it
She was only told because she asked and i can’t lie she sees through them and spends to much time with me
She said but you have such a pretty face
But how can you have a pretty face if it has fat surronding it
No matter what
That scale and those measuments make you pretty
Natural beauty my ass
Naturaly thin is the only natural beauty in this world
like my Grandma says
Pain is Beauty.
- Brittany