The Small Version of Me

[Breaking Benjamin, Diary of Jane]

Sometimes I wish all of us from tpaf could meet and hang out and support each other in real life, without worrying about looks or food or being caught..
Wouldn’t that be lovely?

[Eminem, Lose Yourself]

Today, I weighed in at: 114.6

Lowest weight ever, and guess what? My BMI is for the first time: 18.5.

I’M OFFICIALLY UNDERWEIGHT!!!!!!!!!

running round leaving scars, collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart.
[Christina Perri, Jar of Hearts]

So, I am 116 even (.2 above my hcg starting weight) which means I lost all of the 4 pounds I gained during the binge days, virtually overnight. Pretty fricking good! Last time I did this (May) the exact same thing happened and the next day I dropped 2 pounds. So….kind of excited

If any of you want to try it, the website is healthyhcg.com, or if you just want to do the 500 calorie diet, it’s basically 2 fruits, 2 veggies, 2 melba toast crackers and 2 proteins (3 and 1/2 ounces each) a day.
But it’s very specific…like you can only have certain fruits and veggies, also NO DAIRY. Which kind of sucks..anyways, if any of you want more details just let me know (:

[Eminem, Beautiful]

So this is DAY 1 of the hCG thing.
For those of you who don’t know what hCG is, it’s like these drops you take every day and they trigger this hormone that makes you lose all of your pure fat that’s just sitting around. The first two days you have to eat a lot of fatty food so you don’t pass out, and then the rest of the 23 days you eat 500 calories or less.
WHICH MEANS that this stuff is FANTASTIC because #1: i can indulge in all of my off-limits food the first two days without feeling guilty, and #2: my parents know that i’ll only be eating 500 calories and they APPROVE! (because it actually is a healthy way to lose weight). I can hear the hallelujah chorus…..!!!

Another note…I found my grandma’s old scale (the kind that has the big numbers printed on the dial) and since I use every opportunity to weigh myself on different scales (to stay realistic) I got on.
And it said…109.
My goal weight.

Oh, inaccurate scale, how you tease me.

I kind of wish I could just go the doctor and get a without-doubt ACCURATE weight.  I have 3 scales in my house and they all give me different readings. Plus since I’m still in the “healthy” range, there would be no parent freak-outs.

And, I kind of want to see that doctor who lectured me about being fat 3 years ago, and show her how much I’ve lost.
Stupid bitch doctor. I cried so much that day.

Anyways, what’s everyone’s end-of-the-summer weight?

[Addison Road, What Do I Know of Holy]

Today, SUCKED.

1. I gained, again.
2. My parents informed me that they’re pulling me out of my (cheap, in comparison) private school so they can spend more money on my sister….it’s a long and complicated story….but come on, school!?!?
3. Now they’re giving me the silent treatment so I won’t start yelling at them.
4. In my distress, I binged and had like 4 fricking cookies.
5. And then cut myself.

But what’s worst is how pathetic I am.

• I stick my fingers down my throat, but never enough to throw up;
• I rake blades across my wrists, but never enough to bleed;
• and I starve myself, but never enough to be thin.

Now I feel trapped in my room and I have nowhere to go and no one to talk to that will understand.

[Duran Duran, Red Carpet Massacre]

Uh I think that’s how the lyrics go. I’m not sure? Haha.

Anyways, I totally binged yesterday, .6 heavier today, not surprising…but I was really discouraged until I logged in and saw all of your comments. You guys are soo incredibly supportive!! And it’s true that while this may be a setback, I really have come a long way and I just need to get re-motivated.

I bought one of those huge Smart Water bottles, and I just keep re-filling it and keep it around so I’m drinking alot of water. Also, these past couple days I’ve been sleeping in until 1 or 2 pm (I know, CRAZY) so I just don’t eat anything until Parents watch me eat dinner (which is never over 300 cals). So that’s been great :]

Think thin – and as always, work to be lighter tomorrow! <3

[Sia, My Love]

I lost a pound overnight! New lowest weight: 115.4!!! BMI is 18.6, which is so so close to underweight, and 115 was my first major goal.
I am very happy today :]

**Edit, 4:00 pm***

I forgot to mention what happened this weekend. So, I was playing 20 questions with my best friend and she asked me if I had ever tried to, or actually made myself throw up before. I kind of sat there for a minute and then took a deep breath and said yes.

She started laughing. Like, cracking up. In hysterics. I just kind of stared at her and then she was like “oh sorry, is it okay if I laugh?” but she didn’t wait for an answer to start chuckling again.

What the fuck? I was pissed, to say the least. I am never telling her anything ever again.

[Florence + The Machine, Heavy In Your Arms]

I just found this song, and I love love love it:) Anyways, very eventful day yesterday.  My friends and I all went out to Cheesecake Factory for dessert (the horrors!) which I looked up online before and EACH FRICKING SLICE OF CAKE is over 1000 calories! I almost died. However, I used every trick in the book to not consume that piece and I woke up this morning .2 lighter Ah, sweet success!

However…I have to make a confession. The real reason I deny that I’m thin when people comment, is because I seriously am not. I’m not in denial, or whatever, I actually AM OBESE. I’m 116 lbs, my BMI is 18.8, but…I have a 31 inch stomach. Which is SOO embarassing. I don’t know how I am this huge when the scale says I weigh so little in normal comparison? I mean, to be a “healthy” measurement do I have to be like 90 pounds?

Help, please, comments would be very much appreciated!!

[Three Days Grace, Home]

I am absolutely disgusted by my need for food. I can never stop eating forever, every day I get up and eat some more. It is gross and the #1 reason for my fat-ness. Therefore I have decided to fast tomorrow.  It’s probably not the best timing because tomorrow is this “smoothie party and dinner” with a bunch of my friends, but it will just make it all the more challenging Wish me luck, and anyone who wants to join in can!

Also, I’m going to do this HCG drops thing…you take them and eat MAXIMUM 500 calories a day, which means I can continue my ana routine, but it helps you immediately lose fat and not muscle. I’m starting that August 5th.

Anyways, that’s about it for today =)

[Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Runaway]

I just really quick wanted to shout out to all of you who leave comments -

They are really encouraging to me, more than you know!

Thank you all so much :]

i’m in a hole, a sinkhole, too deep for anyone to see me.  the sides are smooth.  there’s nothing to grab on to. so i fall – slippery – slipping, sinking, too fast for anyone to catch me.  i can’t succeed, i can’t pull myself out of the whole and get the self restraint to not eat, to starve, to throw up, to be THIN. i can’t do it. i’ll never do it.

too much food today.  i can’t make myself say no.  and i’m falling.

- Hellogoodbye, Here (In Your Arms)

I really want someone to talk to.

No one seems to understand what I’m going through. They’re all either effortlessly thin, effortlessly healthy or they just don’t care. I am going through hell coming off the extreme-o diet and trying to figure out how to make healthy choices again. I haven’t weighed myself in FOREVER because I’m too fricking scared.  I don’t want to see my failure calculated on that little bathroom scale screen.  I don’t want it. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to spend the day curled up in a ball crying because it’s never enough.

I’m sorry that all these recent entries have been so depressing and desperate.  If only I had one of you anas living with me, or a friend/family member who was willing to make the journey with me. But no one does…and I can’t keep up on my own. I don’t know where all my strength went, but I was reading back on some recent entries, when I was complaining about 117 being too fat, and now I’m who-the-hell-knows-where, probably back in the fucking 120s. After all that work……

No more food tonight. 7 more bottles of water, and maybe a water pill or something. Then…*wince* I suppose I’ll weigh in tomorrow morning. While knowing how much I’ve gained kills me – not knowing is even worse!! However, tomorrow is Monday, a fresh start :] I am really excited for summer to come, because I can work out every day and not eat ANYTHING. No food! Yay!!

Anyone want to be ‘texting buddies,’ of sorts? I want someone to talk to and support each other, keep track of each other. Comment if you want to

Good luck ladies [and gents]

- 30 seconds to mars, A Beautiful Lie

Today has been a verrrry good day Got on the scale this morning, and it told me: 120.2. Down almost a whole pound from yesterday and I know it’s not just water weight because I drink 10,000 bottles everysingleday.

Then today, I don’t want to go through everything I ate but it was about 613 calories – alot for some of you I know, but pretty normal for me. Then, however, I went to the gym and worked my a s s off.  I’m halfway through my 6th bottle of water too, which is pretty good. I’m excited for now but I’m going to be super pissed if I lose less than .5 tomorrow.

Okay, now I’m freaked out.  Blogging is supposed to help me de-stress! Nice. Alright, I guess I’d better go and do some crunches or leg lifts or something…ugh. I must LOSE!

- My Fair Lady, Oh, Wouldn’t It Be Lovely

Right now I’m supposed to be working on a homework assignment due in an hour but screw that. All I can think about is food and weight loss etc. BECAUSE something bad happened yesterday night after my last blog!!

So, I go downstairs and “start looking for a snack” [appearances of course]. My mom says “why are you eating? haven’t you had enough today?” and even though I wasn’t actually planning on eating anything, I still got pissed off, so I snapped “I’ve only had 600 calories today, give me a break!” Whoops. But my mom says “well just have a piece of cheese or something.” …what? hello? where did this come from? can i just start living on this much without hiding it from you? So it seems like she doesn’t care, and she leaves. But then my older sister comes into the kitchen and says “so what have you eaten today?” so I tell her the basics of it and I guess she knows the calorie content of everything because she announces the exact number of calorie I had eaten [613]. Then she looks over at mom across the room and yells “she’s only had 600 calories today!” When mom doesn’t respond she says “that’s not enough!” so she practically shoves some pretzels down my face [36.6 calories] and then she says “ok here’s the plan. tomorrow i am eating exactly what you eat.” WHAT. “and we’ll count all the calories and see how much you’re eating every day. if i eat what you eat tomorrow and i’m hungry or it’s not enough, we’re going to have a serious talk.”

WHAT THE HECK. You are not my mother, who as you could see, was FINE with it! You are my sister! And plus you eat about 1,000 calories more than I do a day, and you get hungry way faster than I do! So of COURSE you’re going to think it’s not enough, even if I eat a “normal” 1,200 calories [God forbid]. I don’t know how to get out of this. We already had breakfast: 180 calories [banana: 100 and fred meyer yogurt lite: 80 for me, luna bar: 180 for her], and we’ll see if I can work our schedules so that we’re not in the same place around lunch time. Then maybe I can tell her I ate and fake it. We’ll see :/

On a good note, even after the pretzels etc last night I dropped .2 on the scale. Barely anything, but that IS  a whole 1.0 pound in two days. Nice! But that leaves me at 120.0 and I am DYING to get back out of the 120s. I hate them I hate them I hate them. Rawr.

Alright, time to do that wretched homework assignment. Wish me luck for the double-eating-with-sis today.

…is life?

I feel like my entire life revolves around food, not eating food, counting calories, constantly constantly adding them up and adding burnt off calories up and subtracting what i’m allowed to eat from how much i’ve eaten. then adding up how much more i need to lose a pound, how many more pounds i need to lose, how fast i can possibly lose it.  all day every day, calorie math food math shit math numbers.

Is life worth the constant aggravation and planning and denying yourself? It’s all one big lesson in restraint. No pain ,no gain ,I suppose. If I never had to hear the world “calorie” again it wouldn’t be soon enough.  Although I’d have to give up all consumption of food and drink because it would drive me even more crazy to eat without knowing the calories.

There’s no way to win, it’s a constant circle.

Sorry for the depresso blogs lately. After this morning’s weigh in on my scale at 120.0 I ate my 180 cal breakfast that I told you all about earlier, then took some laxs, got on my mom’s scale a little later [before showering] and it said 118.8! however it tends to be .8 lighter so that would make me 119.6. but still! AFTER eating breakfast? exciting!

i hope to be 118 tomorrow, or at least at the bottom of the 119 pound range. however i didn’t eat that well today and i skipped a workout because i was so asdf;lkjghawe exhausted.:/ wish for me, if i gained i swear i will pull my hair out.

good night all of you;; <3

- Imogen Heap, Hide and Seek

Alright, here’s the deal. I’ve been up for an hour and a half. Weighed in this morning, and….118.6!! Down 1.4 from yesterday’s weight! Soo excited. Definately not my thinnest [116.8, three weeks ago Saturday] but pretty damn close! I am ecstatic. Even though it’s still obese but W/E. There is a definate difference between how I look today and how I looked a week ago at 121.0.

I had breakfast [lite yogurt: 80, mixed with some kashi cereal: 60 = 140] and a bottle of water. I’m going to try and drink at least 6 today because I only had 3 yesterday :/ Plus I don’t have time to work out so I need to be extra good if I’m going to lose any tomorrow. Unfortunately my mother just informed me that dinner is a “healthy” Papa Murphy’s take&bake pizza. Ha! Healthy pizza? I don’t think so. If I can’t weasel my way out of eating then I’ll have the smallest slice and do some major crunches etc. afterwards.

Hope today goes well, good luck to all of you !

Travis McCoy, When I’m a Billionaire

Mm, ladies..[and gents]..things have been not-so-good since my last blog.  Fortunately xtimes 100, my sister totally slacked off on the calorie-for-calorie thing! She made sure we had the same number of cals for breakfast as I told you [180] but I guess she got hungry while I was at work in the afternoon.  When I came home, feeling lovely empty, she informed me that she broke down and had Quizno’s. HA! I was so proud of myself, but I quickly went and started rooting around in the fridge to calm her down.

However, since after that…it’s a certain time of month for those who know what I mean, and I never weigh myself at this time because I get tons of unshakable water weight that makes me twice my normal size. Eek. And since I’m not weighing myself, I’ve been letting myself get sloppy with eating. Like, really sloppy. At least I went running today, only about a mile but better than nothing. 

I’ve been sooo depressed this weekend. I don’t have a lot of clothes anymore, either I don’t like them or they don’t fit. So everytime I look in the mirror I see a badly-dressed obese person. Ughhhhhhhh. It made me want to cry. On Sunday night I put on a huuuge sweatshirt and sweats so I wouldn’t have to deal with ill-fitting clothes, and then I just laid down on the middle of my floor.

I’m about to get off and go read Stick Figure [fantastic thinspo. she even has a real pic of her when she was thin at the beginning of the book] to get myself back in the mindset.  Then I need to go SHOPPING. At least when I’m wearing cute and attractive clothes I feel a little better about myself and my [not literal] obesity.

Almost summer. Summer = Thin, Toned, Gorgeous and EMPTY <3

I cannnot wait. Oh, and for the summer I think I’d like a TPAF texting buddy Anyone up for texting? Comment with your number or msn?  I’m excited for starving….love you all, goodnight.

White Tie Affair, You Look Better When I’m Drunk

Screwed up today. F%$&. I had this yogurt/berrie parfait thing this morning because my mom bought it for me and I felt really bad because I know it was expensive for a parfait thing…a little yogurt, some wheat flakes and some strawberries, blueberries and grapes.  It was pretty small and I threw it away before finishing but I have NO idea how many calories it was :/ Then of course i had to screw up and have italian pasta leftovers for lunch. Granted, it was a tiny amount and only 1 piece of chicken, but STILL. Then I had some sugar-free gum, a granola bar [100] and some goldfish [50] lol.. so basically i’ve been HORRIBLE today but i’ve been surfing some ana sites and working through Stick Figure so I’m back on track. I walked a little bit this afternoon and did some jumping jacks….eh. I have to remember that I have to get on the scale….eek…on friday!!! So soon! Ugh!

In the meantime, tomorrow’s calorie intake plan is 200. Breakfast: lite carbmaster yogurt [80], Lunch: apple [60], Dinner: Apple [60]. Plus a good 300+ workout, 3 Liters of water and I should be set for Friday! Hopefully! <3

Placebo, Running Up That Hill

It’s almost 3 in the morning, but I needed to get on here.  Sadly, when I finally sucked it up and weighed in for the first time this week, the scale told me 120.4 pounds. UGH! After all this up and down, 120 might as well be 500 for how obese I feel.  I can’t just stay under this 120 marker! I need to conquer this weakness, I need to overcome my struggle with things as unimportant as food and exercise.

So I had a pretty good day food-wise [or lack of food ] today, plus I walked around the mall, went rollerblading for about an hour and did some sit ups and jumping jacks.  I’m hoping that will bring me back into the 110s tomorrow, but we’ll see. 

Before today I had only cared about my thunder thighs or pregnant looking stomach or huge ass, but today I finally noticed how HUGE my arms are!! I had never even concerned myself with them before but now I feel like wearing sweatshirts all the time. Not that sweatshirts make you look any thinner…

By August 1st I will be 10 pounds lighter then I was this morning.  110.4 <3 It’s the lucky number. [Until, of course, I get there.  Then, 105? 100? 90?] We’ll see.

Alright, I’m off to catch some ZZzzzz ‘s before I have to wake up and go to a graduation ceremony. Dress, skirt, jeans? Depends on how much I weigh in the morning! :[ As always, stay thin. xoxo

Friar Lawrence, Romeo and Juliet

So, today..hmm. I weighed in at 120.0 pounds.  So I didn’t quite make it into the 110s..(sadness)..but I did lose .4 which is definitely nothing to sniff at. I gave myself a calorie limit today but ended up eating a little over so I really have no idea what tomorrow will look like. 

However, I was very proud of some things today :] For one, I went to my school graduation ceremony today (not mine! too young!) and at the ceremony reception and at my friend’s private party there was toooons of food.  I got suckered into a glass of punch but it tasted mostly like apple juice and I dumped it in the garbage as soon as was possible.  Managed to stay away from cake at both places (not ONE BITE of cake!).  At the private party I finally grabbed a plate and was about to binge on pasta/potato egg salad..took half a bite, realized what I was doing and tossed the whole plate in the trash Massive binge avoided and no purge necessary!!

I bought a fabbbulous new journal yesterday, super cute, and I’m going to write in it everyday this summer:) I loove journaling. It makes me feel like I have more control when I can plan things out on paper.

Well, goodnight all.

- Three Days Grace, I Hate Everything About You

Well today I weighed in at 119.6 [finally back in the 110s] but of course then I had to go screw up all my perfect emptiness by binging. I had an 80 cal yogurt for breakfast but at the mandatory Father’s Day BBQ…

I loaded up my plate with food (for appearances because everyone kept checking up on me), but actually only ate 2 pasta noodles, 6 shrimp – God I love the stuff, 10 calories a piece but no fat – three apple slices and one piece of toasted bread with bacon on the top. Argh. That was my downfall. Then of course after I had eaten it my sister “O” says “haha when I saw that bread I thought, oh you won’t eat that, too many calories. but you did!” which made me want to run to the bathroom and stick my finger down my throat that very second. Unfortunately the bathroom was right next to where people were eating so everyone would have heard.

After the BBQ my family drove around the city for a bit, which easily eliminated food temptation for a few hours..but when I got home I was so freaking starving and I don’t know what happened but I totally binged. I had some Raisin Bran (F***ING 2% MILK), some chocolate chips, half of this tiny lemon bar thing, half a handful of dried cranberries…UGH!

How come everytime I lose a significant amount of weight I have to screw it up and gain it all back?? And then I get totally depressed when I gain then next day. I need to get some control over myself! Starting tomorrow I’ll be doing some serious diet and exercise, and I won’t rest until I hit my ultimate low (hopefully Friday???) of 116.8 pounds.  I won’t give up!

To my Ana texting buddies: my phone’s been out of whack these past couple days, sorry! Got it fixed this evening so…text you all tomorrow – Monday

Stay strong, lovelies. Summer is here!!

- Radiohead, Creep

Mm. I went shopping today.

Shopping depresses me, because while I lovelovelove clothes, it always makes me even more aware of how fat I am.

In the end, I only got a pair of denim capris [size: TOO BIG.] and a brown beaded top [size: TOO BIG.]

Cute cute, but not small enough.

Never small enough…

[Eminem, Love the Way You Lie]

My family knows about, and encourages my anorexia.

My brother watched me throwing away most of dinner and said “pretty soon you’ll be so skinny, no one will be able to see you.” And I said “well right now, no one can see around me.” My mom laughed.  She said – “how many calories have you had today?” and i told her: 750. “That’s so much, isn’t it.” i said. She hesitated, and then she said “Well, you probably shouldn’t eat any more tonight.”

Because they all know I’m obese. For them, my struggle with food is like watching someone do the limbo. “Go lower, go lower!” they cry, cheering when I go a little lower and booing when I don’t make it.

It’s bad enough that I beat myself up when I eat, but now my mother is going to do it? She’s not nice and supportive, she just makes the fall harder.  And my dad is always saying that I can refuse the food; that I need to get in shape; that I need to go running more.  I mean my BMI is 19.4, which is horrible to me but shouldn’t my parents be happy that I’m in the “healthy” range?

Can you all comment? :( I’m not sure what to think of this.

[Breaking Benjamin, Breath]

They watch me, force-feed, always too much food, hideous, huge, nomoremptiness.  “Have to go to the bathroom.” Door shut, hair up, finger down my throat. But it doesn’t work. I can’t don’t want to.

My throat still hurts though.

[Phoenix, 1901]

So, I have a little problem. And the problem is…
I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. 

- I eat; so I’m not anorexic
[but I eat less then "normal" and count calories obsessively.]
- I don’t throw the food back up; so I’m not bulimic
[although I've attempted many times.]
- I’ve never really binged; so I’m not a compulsive overeater
[even if I feel like I am.]
- And I’ll eat shit if it has zero cals; so I’m not orthorexic
[however I enjoy being healthy.]

….what does that leave me with? I’m waaay beyond the world of “weight conscious” but I don’t really see myself in any of the above disorders.  I’ve been called obsessive about food-weight-dieting more times then I can count and I know “health” has never stopped me before. But I don’t know where this puts me.

In any case, I’ve lost 1.2 since Tuesday; My July goal is 112.
Current stats - weight: 118.8, bmi: 19. ew.

Btw I found this loovely website…not pro-ED, but certainly helpful:
www.personal-nutrition-guide.com

Check it out Anyways, talk later!

[Regina Spektor, Eet]

EW. (I ate…alot…today…too much…for me..for anyone..to be thin…feel disgusting…)

I’m not weighing myself tomorrow morning.

On the plus side, I told my parents tonight that I’m going vegetarian, and that I’m going on my mother’s “French Diet” where you eat whatever you want, but only 3 bites.  So if I can get away at meals with having 3 bites of salad…? Perfect!! <3 I am really excited to have that pressure off. No more fatty fat steakchickenporkbeef. Nice, eh?

[Ke$ha, Dancing With Tears in My Eyes]

I hate the fourth of July.

Games that aren’t fun to play; with company you don’t like to be with; eating food that you can’t won’t shouldn’t eat, but you do. Because there’s nothing else to do, and you’re bored, and when everyone around you is eating and you don’t have a large napkin or big purse to hide it in and all you can do is make the food look like less on the plate then it actually is. 
And then when the host begs you to taste-test something, you chew and smile and give him the “thumbs up” before running to the bathroom to spit it out, until someone intercepts you and says “Sorry, I asked you a question when you were eating. Go ahead and swallow.” And you swallow and smile.

And yes, you made excuses to yourself.

But in the end, you really just wanted to fuck it and eat some food like everyone else.

No weigh in tomorrow.  Fortunately I have nowhere to go tomorrow, so I’m going to:
- Eat breakfast to get metabolism going [yogurt: 80 calories and a hella lot of protein]
- Stretch
- Go running, for a LONG time.
- Spend the rest of the day deep-cleaning my room, vacuuming dusting moving furniture and basically just not eating.

I’ll weigh in the morning after that and see where I stand.
But fuck, I had my weight loss plan for the summer strictly written out and now I’m miles behind.

I’m sad tonight.

[Breaking Benjamin, Dear Agony]

Soo, after eating tons yesterday on the dreaded holiday, I had decided not to weigh myself this morning. However, I did, and somehow I miraculously lost 1.2 lbs since yesterday morning!!

This is going to be a wondeful day. And now I’m even ahead of track on my summer plan. I must keep this up!

Weight: 118.0
Weight to lose before sister returns: 6.4
Current BMI: 19.0
BMI when sister returns: 17.9

I can do this.

[Hollywood Undead, Undead]

Gained .4 this morning, but I saw it coming. I could only do a super-fast workout this morning [20 min!!] but I burnt 100 on the elliptical and did all the leg weights, plus I did a lot of lunges, crunches, leg lifts etc when I got home. On myveryownschedule that I made I’m supposed to be 117.8 tomorrow morning and with a little luck I just might make it!

I’m a little more depressed today because I don’t really have a life. My sister has this fantastic life in her ballet world with her tiny dancer friends and I sort of live vicariously through her, but now that she’s gone for the summer I feel kind of lonely, and…pathetic. Sometimes I realize that I’m just this big fat teenage girl that’s defined by school [because I'm good at school, unfortunately not as good at starving] so I don’t eat just so I’ll have something else for people to say about me. Maybe one day instead of saying, oh look that’s the smart, they’ll say, oh look how gorgeous she is.

[Death Cab for Cutie, Summer Skin]

So this morning I lost the .4 that I had gained yesterday…basically, I haven’t lost any weight in 2 days…UGH.  I’ve had 200 calories plus most of an orange, which I believe is negative calories? It’s mostly water anyways.  I started reading Wasted for the first time last night, and WOW it is as amazing as everyone says it is.  I love ittt.

Okay but this weekend my family’s going with a bunch of friends to this ranch or something, where apparently the only thing to do is sit or swim in the pool.  Which means…swimsuit *wince*. I’m soo not prepared for this.  And I really don’t feel like having our entire social circle see my fatness in spandex, or whatever they’re made of these days.  Anyone up for fasting? :/

[DJ Khaled, All I Do is Win]

Mother caught me reading Wasted today.

“You’re not becoming an anorexic, are you?”

*laugh* Please. Do I look anorexic?

“Well…but even though you’re thin, you act like you’re overweight.”

HA! Did you catch that ‘well’? She almost said “well..no.” You don’t look anorexic honey, but I don’t want you to go from the too-fat extreme to the too-thin extreme so quickly. Like that’s even possible. I’ll always be huge.

I decided that Goal Weight was going to drop today, making it an even 110. Which means that if I’m going to be at my goal weight when sister returns, that means I’m even farther behind on my weight loss plan then I was when my goal weight was 111.4, so basically…I need to step it up. Lost .2 today and I”m tired of all this meaningless loss. It shouldn’t take days to get from 117.8 to 117.0, it should take hours!!

Leaving for 5 day vacation tomorrow with family and their friends at some forsaken ranch, where I have to hang out in a swimsuit. Fortunately swimming is fantastic exercise, unfortunately we have to bring our own food, which means options are limited and fattening. Breakfast is mandatory cereal [CARBS] with milk [FAT], lunch is left open, meaning probably skip-able and dinner is going to be some form of meat every single night.

“Uh, but Mom, I’m a vegetarian.”

“Yes, well, you’re just going to have to…..”

Maybe I’ll fake sudden animal compassion and be able to skip out on dinner, or at least get away with lettuce salad.  Idk if I’ll have internet there, but be assured that you’ll get a long blog when I get back – either with absolute joy that I magically lost as much as I needed to, or with absolute ranting because I gained.

I’m nervous already :/ Let’s hope I can make it through strong. I’m going to write out some good quotes to keep with me so I don’t break down and have, God forbid, an Oreo or something. How many calories is in one of those anyways?

Love you all, byeee

[September, Cry For You]

So I reallly needed to be at most 117.4 today, instead I got on the scale and it said 117.8 [EXACTLY the same as yesterday]. I got off, took my retainers out and got back on and it said 118.0. WTF!? How do I gain .2 from taking my retainers out? I know it’s probably nothing to the rest of you but for me every .2 is absolutely crucial. I thought I did well yesterday but I only did 115 crunches and 200 jumping jacks so maybe that’s why. But God if I don’t lose a hell of a lot tomorrow….I am screwed.

UGH. Weight gain sucks

[Seal, Prayer for the Dying]

I heard that song the other day and even though I’ve heard it a million times it’s the first time it sounded like it could be about Ana, you know? Even the title, “prayer for the dying”. I thought it was interesting :]

So, sorry about being MIA. I went on vacation for a week and then my friend that I haven’t seen in a year came to stay for a couple weeks so it’s been hard to get on here. Thank GOD she is trying to lose weight or I would be back in the moose-like 120s.

Today I was 117.4, my lowest since May.:] I did a lot of exercising today, plus walking around the mall, plus eating barely anything so maybe tomorrow I’ll hit my LW, 116.8? AAAH I hope so!!

I’m hungry now, but that’s good. It feels good. I feel successfull.

I’ll write more when I’m out of this fatty fat 117 land. I have less than 3 weeks to lose 7 pounds.

No one will stop me.

[Hollywood Undead, This Love This Hate]

After all my high expectations I only dropped .2 lbs. Wth!? Ugh, ugh, ugh.

I kind of ate A LOT today. Went running, did jumping jacks, crunches, leg lifts, leg pulls and then took the dog for a walk. So I think that kind of evens it out…:/ I’m nervous.

I absolutely hate the way I look. I’m coloring my hair tomorrow, and if I just tan, tone up and lose another 7 pounds maybe I won’t be so hideous to look at. Or maybe I still will be. I’m so used to being distracted by how huge I am, who knows what I’ll think when bones are visible??

[Taio Cruz, Dynamite]

Second bad day in a row.

Ugh, I keep screwing up. In any case; I’ve made a very easy, reasonable plan so I don’t rip my hair out when I get on the scale tomorrow morning. Sound good?

This morning I was 117.6; on Sunday morning, I will hit my all-time lowest weight again: 116.8

I can do this and I will do this.

P.S. I changed my theme because more than half the people on here have that ‘notebook chaos’ thing.

P.P.S. I’ve been watching ‘For the Love of Nancy’ on you tube. Good ana movie!

[The Cranberries, Zombie]

Okay, today was fine. Not good, but not particularly bad, just..fine. I’m not sure whether I’m going to weigh myself tomorrow, we’ll see!

My friend and I finally sat down and wrote out all the places we want to go on this around-the-world trip we’ve been talking about for years and years. It will still be a LONG time until this could even possibly happen, but it was fun to plan it all out and think of all the places we could see:)

This same friend took me out to Starbucks today and insisted on buying a drink – I ordered a Grande Nonfat Cappuccino with lots of foam, please. Which left about two normal sips of nonfat milk in the cup. Muahaha XD

What are everyone’s favorite things to do to keep your mind off snacking? Share, please?

[Disturbed, Down With the Sickness]

Today was the most contrasted bitter-sweet day I’ve ever had, at least Ana-wise.

So, this morning, I had lost, making me only .2 pounds away from my lowest weight EVER. Exciting, right?! Well, apparently it wasn’t enough.  My friend and I went to this BBQ tonight…my friend and I are exactly the same height, and I am 19 pounds lighter then her….some girl comes up and says hi. My friend says something about starting a diet tomorrow, and the girl looks at both of us, and then looks at me and says “haha, you’re fatter than her though.”

What.the.fuck. WHATTHEFUCK.

I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Disturbed, The Game]

116.2 today.
Finally, after 6 months of losing weight and gaining it back and losing a little and gaining it back,
I passed my lowest weight.:] Hurrah!

New goals.

• Current weight: 116.2 [BMI 18.7]
• Goal 1: 115.6 [BMI 18.6]
• Goal 2: 113.6  [BMI 18.3]
• Goal 3: 110.6 [BMI 17.8]
• UGW: 109.0 [BMI 17.5]

[Will.i.am., OMG]

Ate today, alot, of vague-ish calorie foods. Ich. I feel disgusting.

So today, was kind of weird because I realized that I…look weird. Ha. Like I have this huge fat stomach [GROSS] but then you can see every single one of ribs clearly, all the way around.  …is that normal for the rest of you? I’m kind of freaked out, even as much as I enjoy seeing bones :/