Time is a funny thing
it just keeps going.
Lately all my time has been meshing together. All the time is just one big horizontal line. Like those timelines they make you draw in history, marking important events. Sometimes I just think people invented time for organizational purposes. Animals don’t have time, they just live. For example, my dog can sit on the back deck for hours, just sitting in the sun and panting. She seems so happy. I really wish humans could be like that. It’s just interesting. Something to think about.
I’m sure it doesn’t help that I’ve been smoking every day for the past four days or something. But what do I even mean by help? Nothing needs help. Except maybe my control/motivation. That is in serious need of some help.
I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve tried to keep track of my eating. Like for real. Every day for the past three days (ever since my last post), i’ve just let myself eat what I want, when I want. For that long, i’ve been normal, I suppose. Sure, the thought will pop into my head, “Maybe I shouldn’t eat this” it says, the skinny, beautiful voice inside tells me “DON’T EAT THIS, YOU’RE BETTER THAN THIS”. It screams, but everything else is so overpowering, it just screams over the tiny voice. “Whatever.”
Back to reality.
It’s 1:39 and I’m sitting here eating what I like to call breakfast.
A tiny apple warmed in the microwave with a sprinkle of cinnamon sugar (80) – YUM!
I am feeling much better after getting everything off my chest. Trying to decide who to hangout with today..
The friend who is kind of a bad influence and doesn’t eat much, possibly might do shrooms with her. (Like we already bought them and everything)
OR
The friend who has been there my whole life, is a good influence (sorta), eats like a pig, and will be really mad at me if I do shrooms.
Jeeze. I’m really abnormal.
I am 15 years old. I smoke weed. I could care less about guys right now. I get really annoyed at my best friend’s eating habits. And I have an eating disorder. I love cooking. And I want to run away.
Munchies and Baseball.
Frankly, I binged like crazy over the last three days.
(Not including yesterday).
My friend and I smoked a lot of weed and I got the WORST munchies of my life.
It was really fun. All of it except the eating part. I made up a planet called “Marshmallow Planet”.
We watched really old stupid movies. Talked and laughed about everything.
But at one point I completely broke down and started telling her all this shit and crying about my life.
I don’t even remember what she said or anything. I just remember sobbing. It was mainly how I told her I wanted to do shrooms, and she freaked out like I anticipated. I started freaking out.. gah. That was sucky.
Now I’m just really embarrassed that even happened..
Onto the bad shit (I’ve been dreading this).
It was at night, we had been smoking in her basement for who-knows-how long, we decided to go upstairs and get some food. It started with chocolate milk. Then english muffins (1 1/2) then peanut butter and honey toast, than coffee ice cream.. I think it? But who knows. Oh my god it was terrible! The english muffins had jam on them. So many carbs at once. It fucking sucked.
I remember seeing her face, looking at her eat. She eats SO FAST. Just stuffing things in her face, like she needs to get rid of it and not dwell on the fact that she is eating it. I think that’s what she was thinking. (This is my best friend by the way, E, the one who eats a lot and is so skinny). So we both sat there, pained by the food going into our bodies. She was in pain, I could see from her face. And I knew mine showed the same. The jam would slide off the muffin, I had to eat so fast or else it would get all over my hands and it would eat me up. I had to scarf it down. I remember thinking that exact thing, and how I would blog about it. Haha.
After the second english muffin half, E said something that will never leave my head, “I was so hungry, starving in fact.” I said “Me too.” She said, “Want another one?” “Yes.”
When I was eating that half, it took all I could to keep from crying.
The next day is wayy worse eating wise.
Trust me. ):
We wake up (still at E’s) and decide what to have for breakfast, we make PANCAKES. I have one and a half. She has five. Her mom comes home from the store with two donuts. A glazed and a maple bar. She takes the glazed, I take the maple bar. My head hurts even thinking about this.. it is so bad. I eat the maple bar, oh and it has m&m’s on top. WTF. That whole day is filled with binging! It’s terrible. That night is the worst though.
I went to a baseball game with my family. Ice cream, chips, cracker jacks, peanuts, soda. EVERYTHING. I was so full, but I kept eating. And eating. And eating. When I got home I had a brownie and some milk.
What makes it worse it I haven’t been able to get rid of it.. (bathroom wise). It’s just stuck. Ew. Fatty shit stuck and clogging up my body. So all yesterday I felt like SHIT. God. Sorry for this insanely long post, I just needed to tell you guys..
I can’t tell anyone anything. It’s all a secret. And because I binge so much it doesn’t seem as real.. I don’t know. I just feel like I want someone to relate to. To understand what I think. And how I think. But I guess that would be to fairytale, right?
Yesterday:
GYM (360)
Energy gummies (90)
Saltines (60)
Berries (250) <– So many fucking berries.
Pita sandwich thing (350?)
Ice cream (200)
Total : 600
I rounded up on most of that. But still, it’s better than the other days right?
Eh..
As of this morning I weigh 104.6lbs.
GET DOWN TO 95 NOW AMMELIA. GOD. YOU WERE ALMOST THERE, YOU COULD TASTE IT. YOU RUINED EVERYTHING.
So light is her footfall
PHEW! So glad to be blogging right now(:
I’m really busy today. My mom and I just went back to school shopping. I have seriously been shopping three days in a row. Haha I love it. I got $250 from my grandparents, so I’m using it for new clothes! I got some new jeans.. size 0. They’re kinda small (slight muffin top). Ewewewwwww. I feel so gross writing that. Ew. But soon they will fit with some extra room.
I hated buying them, but the design is cute. They’re Frankie B’s. I also got a skirt and a couple shirts. Anyway, today Mom and I are gonna go get school supplies which is like my favorite thing. I don’t know why I like it so much…
Then later I am gonna have a sleepover with my best friend (she is the one who eats a lot). But last time I hung out with her I realized she doesn’t eat that much.. I just feel compelled to eat when I’m with her? Ugh. Not today. I won’t. Promise.
So my mom printed out this article, I think I’ve already talked about it. It’s called “Why breakfast is the most important meal of the day” and today I read it. It’s complete fucking bull shit. And of course it brain washed her, like everything does. I don’t really eat much breakfast, if any. Usually I don’t eat until about 12. That’s because I don’t get hungry. (Which is nice). On the bottom of the article it said, “Some teenagers, especially teenage girls, skip breakfast to lose weight or cut calories. It is important that their mother tell them about how skipping breakfast can cause obesity as an adult and to teach them about healthy eating habits.” GOD DAMNIT. I’ll admit, part of my skipping breakfast is because I want to cut the calories, but also because I DON’T GET HUNGRY. Ughhghhhggg. I don’t know. And if I do eat breakfast, it would HAVE to be low cal. And in my house, some fruit and a rice cake is not enough for breakfast. And of course I have my mom breathing down my neck in the morning as it is. Gah.
Sorry for the ranting. Haha. So far all I’ve had today is a 10 calorie jello pack and some water!
YAY! I’m doing really good. Trying to stay under 400 calories today. FOR REAL today. God I’ve been fucking up so bad.. just not gonna think about it. I will do better. I can do it!
I need to get better at restricting. This week is a test run. Starting today until friday I am going to see how good I can do at self control. I seriously need to get control. I will not eat ANYTHING unless I know the calories.
Gonna read somma your ladies’ blogs.
Starve on(:
Again.
I failed miserably.
Yesterday I stayed under 800.. not today.
I don’t even know how much I weigh):
I’m really freaked out..
Tomorrow I’m really busy, my mom is really onto me. Like for real. I will be under 100 by the time school starts, I promise. I have to be perfect. I can do that. Today was just a bad day, tomorrow is totally new and I will go to the gym and do good and be one pound lighter.
I am probably about 104..):
God. I feel like a pig. I had so many milk duds, and ice cream, burrito.. ewww.
Fat ass.
Well.. wish me luck tomorrow.
I hope I can update then.
I deserve
104.8.
Yes, that’s the hideous number I woke up to. Gross. I don’t even know how it’s possible to gain pretty much 5 pounds at one time. That’s FIVE DAYS of work down the fucking drain. God. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have allowed myself to do that? All day of bingeing.. I deserve to be fat. Fuck.
I am so fat and ugly.
So so fat.
I feel like I will never be able to get this shit off my body.
I want my bones to be free.
Free of this suffocating cage they’re in.
But I’m so damn weak, and my body tells me no.
It really doesn’t know what it’s missing.
My head knows what it wants, and that’s certainly not food.
School will start and I wont eat.
I’ll be thin and perfect.
Soon.
Also, next week (tomorrow) I am going to do really good.
Starting today though, I will have under 400 calories every day until I see 95 on the scale.
I can do this, no more bingeing.
Some very fast things..
1) I never knew I could eat that much.
I binged hella bad today. For real, we had a ping-pong party with our neighbors/family friends. It was fun. Except the food. FUCKING ATE SO MUCH. I seriously have never EVER had this much food in my whole life. I feel like a rock. Ewww):
2) My mom is completely onto me.
“You don’t need to lose weight.. you’re already too skinny!”
She posted a fucking article on the fridge, titled “Why breakfast is the most important meal of the day”. GAhhh. It makes me really annoyed. I can’t wait for school so I can just not eat all day. Ahhh..
3) I need to be a size 0 again.
I don’t even know my size cause all my shorts are too big, but my 0 size pants are too small.. shitfuckdamnit.
But I also need to conceal things from the family. Help?
And on an unrelated note,
I loveee sleeping.
Yesterday I slept soo much (cause I stayed up all night and whatever).
It was glorious. And I had all these crazy weird dreams.
I felt.. so good. I really think I could work nightshift.
I love staying up at night, I love night. So I could really do it.
Well gotta go.
I may update tomorrow, hopefully.
Starve on(:
Gahhhh.
So I didn’t sleep. At all.
It is now 7:05am here on the west coast, my stomach is rumbling, and I’m fucking tired.
I don’t know why I didn’t sleep.
At first I didn’t want to, then I couldn’t.. Oh well. At least I can sleep most of the day and not really eat.
Yay!
Haha. I want to weigh really really bad, but the only scale we have is downstairs in my parents bathroom.
And they’re asleep.. shit.
So. I suppose I’ll have to wait.
I’ve been starting to get nervous when I can’t weigh myself. I need to know.
I need to see the numbers
go
down.
I made myself some tea about 30mins ago.
That was delicious. It’s been a while sense I’ve had tea.
Almost all summer.
Oh my god I feel soo strange.
My stomach is making so much noise its crazy(:
I really want to fast today.
I think I can too.
Tomorrow food.
Sorry for posting again. Just had to get this out.
Lunch (anytime after 2:00): 1 cup diced watermelon – 46, 1/2 peice dry toast – 35
Snack: Fresca – 0, 1 cup sliced cucumber – 14
BURN: 300
Dinner: Soup – 70, 5 cherry tomatoes – 25
Desert: 2 marshmellows – 45
TOTAL: 235
-300
TOTAL: -65
If I stick to that plan I WILL lose at least a pound by the day after tomorrow.
God.
I need to do this.
I will and I can.
Quick little thing.
Tomorrow I’m going to this fair thing with my friend.
(She is at my house right now but is sleeping.)
I may or may not go, if I do go, I will most likely be indulging in
horrible bad fat discusting foods.
BUT, I also might not go. I don’t really know.. it’s like $31 and I don’t think my parents will pay. And I don’t really wanna pay, so who knows.
If I do go, I wont be able to blog, I’ll eat shit, and just have a badbadbad day again.
If I don’t go, I can stay home, have tea, water, and fruit. Go to the gym with dad,
and have an amazing day. Eat barley anything, maybe even lose a pound for once.
I think I’m gonna stay home. I’ll say I’m too tired or feeling sick.
That should work. I feel like a bitch, but I have been really busy and could use a nap.
Insanely detailed plan for tomorrow:
-Wake up
-Suffer through breakfast (LITTLE BITES, HALF)
-Shower (hopefully purgee)
-Drink half of my 32oz. water bottle
-Read
-Finish water bottle
-Watch 1 episode of The Office
-Drink a Fresca
-Go to At&t store w/ Mom
-Call ‘A’
-Drink another water bottle
-Gym w/ Dad
-Dinner..
-Read
-Drink
-Sleep
Wow. No one is likely to read that(:
Uhm. It is currently 2:12 and I’m not tired.
Just very bored and listening to my cat purr.
I can’t wait for that empty feeling again.
Shit I feel horrible.
Oh by the way, I lost my phone a while ago. Like, more than two weeks ago now.
It’s really crazy.
I kinda like it, but I miss Brooke.
Shittttttttttttttt.
I’m bored.
Someone get on AIM and talk to me.
Hotobubble is my screen name.
(Don’t ask).
God my formating is really fucked up for this post, and my perfectionist self is really tweaking out.
