unhappyphotograph

Today I weighed myself in the morning and I was 109.6. Fully clothed with boots on I am 113. Feeling ok. I just hate eating. But anyways, been walking a lot so that helps. I just really want to be 105 but it takes time I guess. This morning on the way to class I got hit on by Damian Marley. He played a concert in my town last night and I walked by the hotel he was staying at. He was walking to his tour bus by himself and I was the only one in front of the hotel and as I walked by him he looked me up and down and said “Heeeeyy baaabbyy” really slow with a smile on his face. I just smiled back at him. But yeah, I thought it was funny. Also, things are going good with the boy, but I’ve noticed I like him when he does things that are unpredictable. I like his rougher side.

Weighed myself this morning after I peed and I was 110.6. Progress I guess. Meh. I’m just so tired of this battle with food. All my friends ever want to do for fun is go out to eat. And if I have one bad meal that day, I get so mad at myself that I go insane and just binge and purge like crazy. I just had some pieces of honey dew and some lettuce with salsa, probably all under 80 calories. Boyfriend will probably want to get lunch. Where do you wanna go? I don’t fucking care honestly. I’m probably just going to get a salad so what does it matter? Gonna go do some jumping jacks and hopefully the next post I am securely under 110.

112.4

After a few laxatives and a nice past couple of days. The scale is for sure great motivation. And so is ballet. There’s this one girl in my class who is soooo gorgeous and skinny. I want to look like her. I also walk home from class instead of taking the bus and if I have time, I walk to class as well. Something about myself I wish I could change is the length of my neck. Its short and makes me look sloppy. But anywho…well on my way to 110 and hopefully 105! Boyfriend wants to go to dinner tonight so I might not eat until then. I have a bunch of homework to do today and I need to go to the drugstore. The biggest challenge in going to the store is to not give in to random food impulse purchases. I don’t need cereal. No matter how much I try to convince myself it’s not bad for me, it is. Because I will eat a whole box in 2 days. Gross. Well, it feels good to be back and hope all of you are doing well!

115.4. Just got the scale today. Up a few pounds since I last weighed myself about a month ago. BUT starting tomorrow the goal is 105. I think I can do it in about a month. Knowing my actual weight is the best motivation for me. I’ve been cheating like crazy for the past month. And I’m getting tired of throwing up 4-5 times a day. It smells gross and hurts my throat. Also I’m not buying groceries anymore. That always worked well for me before. Because I think I’m being good by buying “safe foods” but all I end up doing is binging on them, and even worse, I’ll sneak into my roommates food as well. I’ve noticed that once one thing enters my mouth, I have to binge. Just one thing. It takes over my brain. I’ll just eat. It doesn’t even matter what. I can’t even taste it usually. Nothing is ever good. I’m just eating….to be eating. I’m out of control. But that stops now. For real, I want to be below 110 RIGHT NOW.

Today is a new day. I’m tired of this binge eating shit. I’m not eating today. I’ve been too distracted with food and it’s robbing me of my happiness. It costs money too. I get paid tonight, then I’m going out and buying a good scale. I’m back into the weigh-ins every 3 days. I’d prefer to have at least 2 fasts a week. Keep the caloric intake under 300 on days I do eat. My thighs are looking bigger and a little pudge is coming back on my stomach. And if I don’t get back on track now, things will just spiral out of control. I know it. I also need to promise myself 200 jumping jacks, crunches, and squats everyday. I need distractions from the junk food my roommates insist on buying and thinspiration to keep my brain convinced its evil. School starts in a few days and I don’t want to fuck this up.

I feel like I’m going back to my bulimic tendencies and it’s scaring the shit out of me. I know the weight will come back but I won’t notice it until it’s too late. So much binging and purging. And even on unhealthy foods like chips and cookies. I need a scale so fucking bad. And I think my boyfriend is starting to notice my issues with food. I never get excited when he suggests eating or going to restaurants. I even get kind of mopey when he does. Last night he insisted on making me a sandwich before bed. And I think he’s starting to notice my lack of interest in sex. Yeah I like to have it, but he can never really get me off (sorry to be so personal). Last night after we had sex, he didn’t say a thing. I just wish I could talk to him on more intimate levels but it’s hard for me to do that. Another thing, I hate being at work cause all I wanna do is eat everything in front of me!!! IT”S HORRIBLE.

Ana I have been a bitch to you lately. But I have been stressed out with the new living situations. And I’ve been broke. So I have been binging like crazy lately. I think the issue is in the fact that I haven’t eaten anything I actually enjoy in forever. So I just shove food in my mouth until I feel sick and then I throw it up. Also, the broke thing, when I don’t have booze or cigs I go fucking insane and food fucks me over. Grrrrr. Well I don’t think I’ve gained much. Maybe a pound or two. All my clothes still feel the same. I need a scale but they are expensive so I have no idea how much I weigh. I haven’t weighed myself in weeks, and I have to admit that was a really good motivator seeing the numbers go down. I’ve been pretty active though…I guess. I dunno. Siiiigggh. OH well. Anyways, might be falling in love with the boy. He is too adorable it hurts. Stay strong girls.

Today was crap. Started with a salad that was 80 cal. Then I was hungry and found out my wraps were all moldy. So I made a sandwich instead that had to be around 250 cal. Then I had some potato chips, cheez-its and granola. Probably around 300 calories. Then a turkey burger…who knows. Rice pudding. Tiramisiu. Then half a sandwich. Most of it was purged. But still…the day isn’t even over and all I want to do is eat. I did sooooo good the last 3 days, beside the cookie I had yesterday. I think I’m getting depressed and missing my boyfriend. I also don’t have a scale so I haven’t been actually seeing my results in weeks. Starting tomorrow I think I’m doing maximum 200 calories for 4 days straight.

So yesterday I did good. 120 cal of jerky. A salad that was around 170 cal. Purged that. Then drank. Today I had 320 cal of chicken and 10 cal of mustard with it. Purged that too. I wish I didn’t have to purge everything I ate but being a former bulimic I HAVE TO. Also the past couple of days I’ve been cleaning, moving, and just being extremely active so I feel good about myself. Haven’t weighed myself in a long time cause I don’t have a scale. Today I went into work cause I thought I had to, but I didn’t but when I was there some employee asked me if I’d lost weight and that I looked good and then another girl who worked there said that that was all she ever heard about the other employees talk about me. They had been starting rumors that I’d been doing cocaine. I was laughing hysterically on the inside. Cocaine!!?? Hahahahaha….wow. But I felt good knowing people had noticed enough. But right now me and like 6 other girls are staying at our 2 gay friends apartment for a couple of days until I’m homeless for a day or two. Hopefully they won’t notice my eating habits or tempt me to eat. There is a lot of food here and I’m not used to that but if I get hungry I will just eat chicken. They’re only 160 cal a piece. Well I’m off to drink. Peace out beauties.

Sorry I haven’t posted in foreeevveerr. I’ve been super busy lately (and stressed). I’ve been packing and moving for the past couple of days and drinking heavily at night. I AM glad though because I’ve been moving around and burning a lot of calories. Physical labor is for sure my favorite way to exercise. I get bored running. Also lately whenever I’m bored I’ll do jumping jacks or crunches. The past few days I have done just ok with my food intake. Probably around 500 but I also purge everything up so it’s hard to tell for sure.

Today my Dad came into town for the big move. The first thing he said when he saw me was “Looking pretty thin. You been dieting?” But he said it with such a worried smile on his face. I wasn’t sure to make of it. But anyways he was in a such good mood and I realized how much I missed and love him. I’m so much like him and I try so hard to be like him. He really is such an inspirational person in my life. Once I get past his temper, he is one of the best people I know. He watches his weight, exercises daily, pays the bills, volunteers, reads, cooks, makes me laugh, and is always looking for improvement in his life. I think his temper is because he gets frustrated when things aren’t perfect and I know how that feels. I mean isn’t that the definition of an eating disorder? The constant strive for perfection.

Also, wanted to share some information about myself. I was fat up until I was 15. Like at least 25 pounds overweight to what would be considered normal or healthy. I fought with it my whole life. I would beg my mom for diet pills. But I could never get myself to stop eating SOOOOO much or get my ass off the couch. Then at 15, I threw up my food for the first time. I don’t even know how I got myself to do it. I was just on the computer one day eating after school and I went into the bathroom and tried it until suddenly vomit came up. I was so surprised how easy it was I was hooked. In one month I went from 145 to 125. I was probably down to about 120 at my lowest point. And that’s what I was through most of high school. Suddenly I was hot. But my self esteem was still stuck with my old body. I could never feel comfortable with myself. Being bulimic was easy, but it made me feel like a traitor. I could eat soooooo much without being fat. But all good things come to an end. Year by year goes by, and the weight slowly comes back. Especially when you think you can eat whatever you want, when really, you can’t. At most, purging gets rid of half the calories. When you’re eating 6,000 calories a day, and only losing half of it, you are going to get fat. Purging made me feel so wasteful. Groceries are expensive. So about 3 months ago, I decided I needed to change my ways. I’m so glad I did, because now I am 35 pounds thinner and still losing, I have a boyfriend, I wear more fashionable clothes, I love being in public, I love my friends, and I have never been happier with my body in my entire life. My life is so different than it was. Eat to live, don’t live to eat. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels!!!